Husband’s behavior causes wife to worry he’s unfaithful

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband normally leaves for work around 5 a.m., so when he left on New Year’s Day at his regular time, it was no big deal to me. Later that morning, I was talking with a friend, and she mentioned how she thought my husband would have had the day off for the holiday. That got me thinking, so I called his office and was greeted by a recording saying the office was closed all week. I confronted him about it once he got home, but he was dismissive about it. I feel like he may be being unfaithful to me. Should I be worried? — Worried Wife

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Think back on your husband’s behavior. Has he given you any reason to believe that he is having an affair? What else about his behavior is different or suspicious, if anything? Calmly review your life in the past few months to see if anything stands out. If so, note any incidents that give you pause.

Next, sit down and talk to him. Ask him to be honest with you. Point out that he was strangely dismissive when you brought up the office closure, and you believe you deserve to know what’s going on with him. Ask him again what he did on New Year’s morning at 5 a.m. Ask him directly if he is involved with someone else. Ask him if he wants to stay married to you.

Do your best to get him to talk. If he clams up, tell him that silence really isn’t an option if he values your marriage. You need to know what’s going on. If you have thought of him as being an honest person, tell him as much. That alone may be what makes this lie so much more offensive to you. Ask him to tell you the truth out of respect for your bond.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating this guy who lives a few hours away from me, so it’s been mostly phone conversations and a few in-person dates. It’s been only a few weeks, and he has started talking about marriage. It came up that he was previously engaged not even a year ago, so that raised a red flag for me. It also concerns me that he seems more focused on material things, like what type of ring I’d like, where I’d like to live, how much money needs to be made between us, etc., rather than the emotional aspects of marriage. All those things are great, but shouldn’t falling in love come first? Am I overthinking it? — Marriage Material

DEAR MARRIAGE MATERIAL: Clearly, this man wants to be in a committed relationship. He wants to get married. You should talk to him about what went wrong in his previous relationship. Find out why the engagement was broken. It sounds like he is trying to address things that went wrong previously so that he doesn’t make the same mistakes again.

Yes, romance is important, but I’m not mad at him for wanting to be clear about the life that you both want to have as a couple. If you are interested in finding a life partner and consider him as your potential mate, go through this process with him. Explore your expectations and figure out together if you two seem like a good fit. It may seem pedestrian and not particularly romantic, but marriage requires these basics in order to survive and thrive.