Parent wants adult daughter to forget about the past

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grown daughter keeps bringing up the fact that I wasn’t in her life as a child. This is really frustrating to me because I’m here now, and when I wasn’t there, my parents were. I went off to college when she was born, and the one time I tried to get her as a baby, her mother wouldn’t allow it, so I left things alone and let my parents be involved. I’ve built a great life for myself now, so why can’t she just appreciate the present day? — Get Over It

DEAR GET OVER IT: Children cannot process why their parents are absent. All they really know is whether they are around or not. You cannot expect her to erase her memories of her formative years because you have shown up now. You are going to have to be patient and be present.

Start by talking to her. Apologize for not being around when she was young. Admit that you were young when she was born, and you made the choice to pursue your education rather than to stay with her. It’s a hard reality, but you need to say it. Think about that time. What else can you tell her that shows your truth without being more hurtful than helpful? Over time, you should share your story with her so she gets to know how you grew to be the person you are today.

Be consistently present in your daughter’s life now. Reach out to her regularly. Invite her to spend time with you. Be more of an observer, especially as you build your bond. The last thing she will want is for you to swoop in and start telling her what to do. Be a good listener. Pay attention to her and identify ways that you can be supportive. Ask before you jump in and offer help.

Continue to let her know that you are sorry you weren’t there for her. Tell her you thought she was OK because her mother and your parents were with her. Acknowledge that now you realize that wasn’t enough.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently celebrated my birthday weekend with a guy who’s been asking me out for years. We went on a few dates leading up to my birthday to ensure we were compatible. After we both agreed we were into each other, we left for the birthday trip and had a great time. When we returned home, he told me he didn’t want to pursue anything serious with me. This blindsided me because I was adamant that I wasn’t looking for a casual fling when I agreed to go out with him. What did I do wrong? — Confused Date

DEAR CONFUSED DATE: You didn’t give yourself enough time before jumping into the deep end. A few dates escalated into a trip. For him, that seems to have meant a fling. It could be that he was deceptive from the start. It could be that he didn’t feel you two were compatible after all. It could also be that he had finally “conquered” you after so many years of pursuit.

Before you cut ties completely, ask him what happened. Remind him that you were clear about what you were looking for in a relationship, and his actions are confusing and disturbing. Press him to tell you why the sudden reversal.