Family member expected to babysit for free, even when missing work
DEAR HARRIETTE: My family doesn’t feel the need to pay me for watching my younger relatives. I’ve been the designated babysitter for my younger relatives since I was 18 years old. I’m 21 now, and I am still expected to watch my younger cousins, nieces and nephews whenever their parents ask me to. I love watching them, but in my family there’s kind of an unspoken rule that whenever someone needs help, you do it and you don’t expect anything in return. I can’t afford to not get paid for babysitting. I’ve missed shifts at my part-time job to watch them before, which means I lost money for them. Should I tell them that I will no longer watch their kids for free? — Free Babysitter
DEAR FREE BABYSITTER: It is time to stand up for yourself with clarity and grace. Your family has relied on you for so long that they probably haven’t thought about you as an independent adult. Now is the time to educate them — gently. Yes, you can tell them that you work now and you need to earn a living. As much as you love your young family members, you need to be compensated for watching them. Explain that you have taken off work in order to care for them. And, beyond that, this is a job that takes a lot of time. At this stage in your life, you need to be earning a living and planning for the future. You may also want to offer to teach some of your other relatives how to babysit so that the next generation can help out.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Going out with my friends is costing me so much money, but I’m afraid I’ll grow depressed if I don’t see them as often as possible. Managing my depression has been an uphill battle, but I found that what always helps is seeing my friends and having fun with them every weekend. My friends all have a lot more money than I do, and they can afford to go out to fancy restaurants, bars and clubs every weekend if they want to. I don’t have that luxury. I hate missing out, and seeing them have fun without me makes me extremely sad. I also do not want to be the friend everyone has to pay for, or the one who stays home because I can’t afford it. How can I go out with my friends without doing too much damage to my bank account? — Scared To Miss Out
DEAR SCARED TO MISS OUT: Make a budget, and include your social life in it. Figure out exactly how much you can afford to spend each week. Limit your engagements with your friends to that set amount. When asked, you can tell your friends that you have a partying budget, and you can’t exceed it. If they want to chip in for you from time to time, that’s fine. But you will probably have to stay home sometimes, which is likely a healthy thing.
You need to deal with your depression, and constantly hanging out is not a long-term solution. Get a therapist if you don’t already have one. Dig deep to discover what the source of your depression is and to learn ways to manage it. Overspending and constantly partying are unsustainable. I urge you to get the help you need. That will make it easier to deal with having friends who have more money. Your depression is another matter that deserves special attention.