After uncomfortable talk, siblings don’t discuss issues
DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I went months without speaking to each other because of money issues. We didn’t get into a dramatic fight or anything; we just had an uncomfortable discussion that resulted in months of silence. We recently saw each other at a family gathering, and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Things weren’t awkward, and we were just happy to see each other. It seems we’ve all moved on, but we never resolved the issues or even addressed them when we made up. Should we ever address our issues, or should we just leave everything in the past? — Elephant in the Room
DEAR ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: Money issues have a way of resurfacing at the worst moments, such as when an elder or other family member passes away. It is wise to address the elephant in the room. Since the discussion was heated the last time you attempted it, consider bringing in a neutral mediator, someone who has no allegiance to any one of you. Ideally, you should invite a financial professional to come in and talk you through your issues and help you to determine a way forward.
The invitation to that meeting should be handled carefully. Let your family members know that you want to get together and talk. Share the topic in advance so that it doesn’t feel like an ambush. Then make it clear that you want to work together to resolve your issues. This meeting has been scheduled out of love and respect for each other.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine moved into her own place in December 2021. I’ve been to her home twice since she’s moved in, and both times her house smelled strange. I asked her what the smell was, and she was completely unaware of it. I am very sensitive to certain smells, and I can’t stand being in that house for more than 30 minutes at a time. She’s been trying to get me to come over again lately, and I’m running out of excuses. Should I be honest with her and tell her that I can’t stand the smell of her house? I know that the right thing to do would be to tell her the truth, but I am not sure if the smell is truly unbearable or if it is just my sensitivity. — Smell Sensitivity
DEAR SMELL SENSITIVITY: This is a tough one. You know that commercial that talks about being “nose blind”? That’s what you are talking about. Home care specialists have identified that homes can take on certain smells based on the cleanliness, the items stored there, the smell of the inhabitant(s) and more.
It probably will hurt your friend’s feelings, but if you have run out of reasons, you can tell her. Preface the conversation by saying that you know yourself, and you are extremely sensitive to smells. Tell her you think you may be allergic to something in her home. You have had a reaction to it each time you have visited. As much as you want to see her, unfortunately, it just can’t be in that environment.