SENSE & SENSITIVITY Family unimpressed with unemployed boyfriend
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for eight months, and I think he might be the one I want to marry. I am 32 years old, and it feels well past due. My family, however, doesn’t approve of him at all. They believe he is unsuitable for me and have expressed their concerns about our relationship. He is unemployed currently, and I pay our rent and other expenses, which is why they are unimpressed with him.
My boyfriend is so much more to me than just an additional income. I’m torn between following my heart and pursuing a future with the person I love or listening to my family’s advice and reconsidering the relationship. Is it possible to find some middle ground and help my family see the positive aspects of our relationship, or should I prioritize their opinions over my own feelings? — Is He the One?
DEAR IS HE THE ONE?: Your family wants what is best for you. That includes making sure your eyes are wide open as you enter a marriage, which is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. You two need to talk to each other about your futures and how you plan to map out your lives. Talk about responsibilities, boundaries, goals and dreams. What does your boyfriend want to do with his life? What are his goals and intentions for earning a living and participating in caring for your family? While he does not need to be a millionaire, he should have a sense of what his role should be in providing for your family. Get him to talk about these things so that you can determine if you share values and goals. Do this for yourself, even if it is prompted by your parents.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is pressuring me to enter into an arranged marriage with someone I do not love. I am currently in a relationship with someone else I care deeply about. My mother has threatened to disown me if I do not comply with her wishes regarding the arranged marriage. I feel torn between following my heart to maintain a relationship with my partner, and honoring my mother’s expectations. The thought of losing my family’s support is heartbreaking, but I also do not want to sacrifice my own happiness and well-being. — Forced Marriage
DEAR FORCED MARRIAGE: Sounds like a culture war to me. Your mom is a traditionalist, and she wants you to follow in your culture’s footsteps as you build your life. You do not agree. The two of you need to spend quality time talking about the situation and the reality that you do not share her views on cultural traditions. Assure her that you still love and honor her, even as you don’t want to participate in an arranged marriage. Respect her desire to protect you by having you follow in her footsteps. Know that there is value in this tradition. Fewer couples who have arranged marriages divorce than those who have love matches. Your mother is not completely wrong to want to cloak you in a tradition that has fortified family stability for generations. So be kind and respectful, even if you ultimately choose to follow your own path.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.