Having Fun Beyond the Party Scene
Dear Annie: I’ve always disliked house parties. During the first ones I’d been invited to, I had to leave early due to the loud music, vulgar dancing and drunk classmates -- an environment that would only make me feel anxious, disgusted and sick.
I thought this feeling would wear off and I’d eventually be able to integrate and have fun just like everyone else. However, after attending a couple more, I came to the realization that it’s just not my thing and that I like to have fun in other ways. So, I began declining all house party invites with silly excuses or anything that I could come up with.
Because of that, I earned the reputation of being a boring and wearisome person, and that I hated everybody and didn’t want to spend time with them, which is not true.
My high school days are over, and I am about to begin university. I know I will be invited to parties in the coming months. What would be a more assertive and confident way to decline all these invites? -- ‘Boring’ Student in South America
Dear ‘Boring’: Embrace what makes you comfortable. A simple “No, thanks, that’s not really my scene” is honest and assertive. Suggest an alternative way to hang out that aligns with your interests. This shows you’re open to socializing on your terms and helps others understand your preferences without having to make excuses or get caught up in a lie. Your university years can be a fresh start to find like-minded friends who respect your idea of fun.
Dear Annie: When I was in college, I dated someone for a year. It was great, and I respected and loved her in every way.
She went on to complete her studies, and I started working. We then went our separate ways, the reason being to give her more space to study and for me to get settled in my career. When I finally felt ready to settle, I tried to contact her again. I called a number I’d saved to get in touch with her. Her sister gave me her contact details.
When I called, her husband answered. I took it like a man and moved on, I thought. I had relationships after that, but it seems I never got over it because I can’t get her out of my mind even at
57. I never got married and can’t seem to find the right person.
I know this sounds unfair, but no one else matches up to her. How do I get out of this hole? I can’t settle for a relationship just to ease the pain and loneliness. I prefer having female friends, but nothing serious until I meet Mrs. Right, I hope. I think too much about her during my alone time, which is quite frequent. I hope she’s happily married, and I don’t think I yearn to rekindle with her. Is there perhaps another deep-seated reason for my predicament? -- Crazy In Love
Dear Crazy In Love: You’re dealing with unresolved feelings and idealizing a past relationship, which is quite common, especially after one as impactful as yours. The fact that no one seems to measure up to this woman, though, indicates that you’re comparing all of your more recent relationships to an idealized version of her, rather than seeing each new person for their unique qualities, which, in turn, creates a barrier to forming new, meaningful connections.
Reflect on what you truly miss about that relationship. Is it the companionship, shared interests, or simply the way you felt about yourself at the time? A good therapist can help you figure out why you’re holding onto this history and develop strategies to open your heart to new love. Remember, it’s about finding someone who fits with the person you are now, not who you were.