Forgiveness, Trust, Emotional Health

With a brand new year underway and with many of us resolving to do better in life, here are some thoughts worth contemplating.

As human beings, we sometimes have difficulty coping with various circumstances, with making social adjustments or with maintaining peaceful and cordial interactions with others.

Such struggles are compounded in the lives of most adolescents because they haven’t always matured enough to handle issues as an adult. It can make teenage years dramatic, complicated and messy.

But no matter what a person’s age, there are two issues that can be very detrimental in dealing with other people and with life in general: (1) an inability to forgive, and (2) a failure to stay away from destructive people.

The reason I am pondering these things is because recently a friend and former colleague posted a profound message on Facebook about forgiveness and trust.

It posed the question of whether trust is restored at the same time forgiveness is extended.

We are all human beings who need to show forgiveness and be forgiven ourselves, but the stigma of a violated trust does not magically disappear once a person overlooks a transgression. Nor is trust instantly revived if a person says, “I forgive you.” It is not always that simple. Without a doubt, however, it is crucial for a person to be forgiving. And at the same time, it is vitally important to be careful who we trust.

I had the privilege of working on a team of six high school principals for seven years, and we often worked with students who struggled in a variety of ways. We gave them sound advice and also tried to encourage them as they worked through challenges and difficulties.

In so many words, we often advised students to forgive. We didn’t use the word forgive, but we did tell them not to worry about what other people say or do, and to ignore hurtful things and move on. We often reminded them that they can’t let another person’s actions affect them and that they should create their own happiness and contentment in life.

We also told them, when it was warranted, not to blame others, harbor resentment, or carry around bitterness inside.

All of these things—while not the exact equivalent of having a forgiving heart— are at least components of forgiveness.

We also told many students, in a sense, that they shouldn’t trust some people and in some cases, we told teens that they really needed a whole new circle of friends.

Sometimes adults must adhere to the same principles.

Wise individuals everywhere—including counselors, psychologists, therapists, ministers, philosophers and theologians—tend to agree on the importance of extending forgiveness.

When a person hates another person for a past wrong, that hatred stays inside and festers for years and years. It creates bitterness and takes a severe toll, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Someone once said that when you have been wronged, you have a choice: You can get better, or you can get bitter.

When the offended party refuses to get better ( by refusing to forgive), the other person still goes on with life, sometimes more peacefully than the one who harbors all of those harmful feelings.

But as to the question of trust, it is possible— and sometimes necessary— to forgive a person but not trust him or her.

The general issue here is that forgiveness is always appropriate but apart from that, a person sometimes needs to insulate himself or herself from nefarious circumstances or toxic people.

As parents, we tell our own children to be loving and forgiving, but we also tell them not to keep company with certain people. In the same way we should keep our own heart right as we keep our distance from trouble or those who seem to always attract trouble.

Dr. Charles Swindoll is the president of Dallas Theological Seminary and he wrote a couple of comments that are helpful in this regard:

“…we must seek to maintain the purest motives behind our dealings with people. We must keep constant vigil over our hearts…”

“… to grow old free of bitterness is one of the finest legacies we can leave behind. What memory will your children have of your final years? Will it be of someone who constantly complained and never let old hurts heal? Or will it be of someone with a joyful heart…?”

Good insights to consider as we navigate through a new year.