Free of Charge

In video games, “microtransactions” are used to make players pay for more features so they can have a more competitive and enjoyable experience, even after they have already bought the game.

But what if you needed microtransactions to drive to work, the grocery store, or your children’s school? Well, after you shell out tens of thousands for an electric vehicle, you too can experience the joy of paying additional money so that your vehicle can function like a normal car.

The expense of purchasing an electric vehicle (which is, on average, more expensive than a gas-powered car) is burdensome enough for many. But car companies have determined that they can deprive drivers of miles unless they shell out a little extra. For example, you’ll get just 247 miles per charge for Will Ferrell’s $45,000 Chevrolet Blazer EV, but an additional $7,000 will get you up to 320 miles. Similar money-for-miles structures exist among electric vehicles from GMC, Ford, Tesla, and others.

Of course, the miles you are promised aren’t necessarily the miles you get, either. Recommendations from the companies themselves tell you that you don’t actually have as many miles as you are told before you need to recharge. And the batteries fade in strength over time, losing capacity over the years. Imagine if your car’s gas tank shrank every year. That’s the fun you get to have with an electric vehicle.

On top of it all, charging your car isn’t exactly convenient if you can’t afford to charge it at home. It takes much longer to charge than it does to fill up with gasoline, and it costs more to charge at a charging station than it does in your home.

That’s just another perk for the rich. If you’re one of the peasants, you can consider it another microtransaction, repeating more frequently because you skimped on those extra 73 miles. Enjoy your electric vehicle, though — you’re paying way too much money not to.