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RYAN’S FALL­ING PO­LIT­I­CAL ‘STOCK’

Ru­mors cir­cu­lat­ing on Capi­tol Hill that Paul Ryan planned to re­sign as speaker set off heavy trading at Pre­dic­tIt.com, a real-money po­lit­i­cal pre­dic­tion mar­ket. In­vestors could buy a “no” share March 28 for 48 cents.

BUMPY CAM­PAIGN TRAIL

Wis­con­sin first lady Tonette Walker says she’s sup­port­ing Leah Vuk­mir, aka Nurse Ratched, for U.S. Se­nate, be­cause Vuk­mir’s op­po­nent for the GOP nom­i­na­tion re­fused to shake her son Alex’s hand. Alex Walker is work­ing for Vuk­mir’s cam­paign. Kevin Ni­chol­son’s cam­paign says the in­ci­dent never hap­pened.

NOT PRICE­LESS

Julien’s Auc­tion in Jer­sey City, New Jer­sey, will sell to the high­est bid­der the “Naked Trump” sculp­ture dis­played in the weeks be­fore the 2016 pres­i­den­tial elec­tion. The statue is the only one in “The Em­peror Has No Balls” se­ries that was not van­dal­ized or de­stroyed. The auc­tion house es­ti­mates the piece cre­ated by the an­ar­chist col­lec­tive INDECLINE will go for $20,000–$30,000.

DON’T CALL AT ALL

This month’s Bei­jing In­ter­na­tional Film Fes­ti­val film yanked the award-win­ning film Call Me by Your Name from its pro­gram due to the same-sex re­la­tion­ship at the story’s cen­ter. Few China ob­servers were sur­prised. Last year, the gov­ern­ment forced the can­cel­la­tion of an LGBT con­fer­ence in the western city of Chengdu and shut down the les­bian dat­ing app Rela.

ROCK, PA­PER, SCIS­SORS

Teach­ers in class­rooms in the ru­ral Blue Moun­tain School District in Penn­syl­va­nia were given 5-gal­lon buck­ets hold­ing river stones to use as a last re­sort against an armed in­truder. The buck­ets are be­ing stored in class­room sup­ply clos­ets as part of a district pro­gram called ALICE, which stands for alert, lock­down, in­form, counter and evac­u­ate. We’re wait­ing for Don­ald Trump to tweet that he’d bravely throw the first stone.

The 2,232-page om­nibus spend­ing bill that Con­gress sent to Don­ald Trump in­cluded a pro­vi­sion to ban fed­eral fund­ing for the Association for Com­mu­nity Or­ga­ni­za­tions for Re­form Now, known as ACORN. Repub­li­cans ac­cused the group of run­ning a voter-fraud op­er­a­tion that led to Barack Obama’s vic­tory in 2008. No ev­i­dence of fraud was found, how­ever, and ACORN ceased to ex­ist in 2009. But Repub­li­cans want the non-ex­is­tent group to know it still can’t get fed­eral fund­ing.

MISS­ING WOMEN

Lol­la­palooza Chicago an­nounced its lineup, and Grammy-win­ner Bruno Mars is this year’s big head­liner. Miss­ing from the head­line ros­ter is a sin­gle fe­male per­former. Un­for­tu­nately, that’s the norm in the music in­dus­try. Men com­prised 90 per­cent of all Grammy nom­i­nees be­tween 2013 and 2018, ac­cord­ing to a Univer­sity of South­ern Cal­i­for­nia study.

LOTTO YELLING GO­ING ON

The New Hamp­shire Lot­tery Com­mis­sion an­nounced it would re­place its “Luck Yeah!” tag with “Win-Time!” be­cause of com­plaints that “Luck Yeah” in­ten­tion­ally rhymed with a pro­fane phrase. The lot­tery’s ex­ec­u­tive di­rec­tor still de­fends “Luck Yeah.” He told the New Hamp­shire Union-Leader, “I would sug­gest to you that the four-let­ter word ‘luck’ is an in­her­ent part of our busi­ness. So I apol­o­gize if it is in­sen­si­tive, but cer­tainly it’s ef­fec­tive.”

NEW BODY IN­SE­CU­RITY

Booty — it’s not just for women any­more. Sales of men’s un­der­wear with var­i­ous sorts of padded butt en­hance­ments are flour­ish­ing. The best-known brand is Rounder­bum, which has two en­hanc­ing polyurethane foam pieces wo­ven into the fab­ric. Inventor Jonathan Diers­ing says, “We just want your clothes to fit as well on you as they do on a man­nequin.”

MAKE IT HURT

Don­ald Trump has a new nick­name in Washington: “Spanky.” The moniker refers to porn star Stormy Daniel’s as­ser­tion that Trump asked her to spank him with a rolled-up mag­a­zine with his face on the cover dur­ing their al­leged sex­ual en­counter.

SMOK­ING UP SO­CIAL ME­DIA

Au­thor­i­ties in North Carolina ar­rested a 20-year-old woman for child abuse, mar­i­juana pos­ses­sion and con­tribut­ing to the delin­quency of a mi­nor af­ter a video of her 1-year-old child smok­ing mar­i­juana went vi­ral on so­cial me­dia. More than a mil­lion peo­ple watched the video show­ing an off­screen adult hold­ing a joint to the child’s lips. The kid ap­pears to coo and in­hale be­fore blow­ing a puff of smoke.

MORE POP­U­LAR THAN …

Emma González, the Mar­jory Stone­man Dou­glas High School stu­dent lead­ing her gen­er­a­tion into a rev­o­lu­tion against gun vi­o­lence, is more pop­u­lar than the NRA. She cre­ated @Em­ma4Change on Twit­ter four days af­ter the mass shoot­ing at her school. By March 24, she had more than a mil­lion fol­low­ers. The NRA, which joined Twit­ter nine years ago, has 636,000 fol­low­ers.

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