“Help! I’m in a toxic friendship!”
Experts reveal how to walk away from negative people and embrace the loving friends you deserve
No, it’s not you You just have a big heart
Toxic people tend to target those with “super traits,” such as empathy, loyalty and compassion, because they know they can take advantage of our big hearts, says women’s health expert Christiane Northrup, M.D. “Listen to your body,” she urges. “You’ll know someone is toxic when you’re exhausted after being with them because they drain you—i’ve actually had this happen where I almost fell asleep in my soup! Or they leave you feeling guilty: A friend will never make you feel bad for taking time for yourself.”
Trust your own intuition
So many of us have that “friend” who zeroes in on our insecurities like a heat-seeking missile and says things she knows will hurt. That sinister “sixth sense” is what Dr. Northrup calls “malignant intuition.” To defuse it, trust your benign intuition: “Instead of telling yourself this person will change, ask yourself if that’s really true.” Reminding yourself that you deserve better gives you the clarity you need to move on.
Give yourself permission
Friendships fall on a spectrum, and while some are beyond repair, others may be salvageable, says psychologist Suzanne Degges-white, PH.D. To determine if yours belongs to the latter category, “decide which boundary was crossed,” she says. “Be specific—if she’s always borrowing money, you might say, ‘I can’t pay every time we go out…’ Someone worth having in your life will respect that, but a toxic person won’t change. Some friendships aren’t meant to last, and that’s okay—we need to break free of the relationships that stifle us.” common fear is, ‘If I lose them, I’ll lose everyone,’ especially if the person is a relative.” Show yourself compassion by telling yourself that you can handle this. “You’ll soon realize your circle is stronger than the one weak link this person represents,” Cook says. “Your value is in your status as a beautiful soul, not in this relationship.”
Consult your trusted tribe
When you’re too close to a situation, it’s hard to see the big picture, which is why Cook recommends recruiting people you trust for support. “Gather your ‘boundaries committee,’” she says. For example, a friend may suggest you take a baby step by communicating with a toxic person only via email, or she may come with you if you have to see the person. “Letting positive people lift you up keeps negative people from bringing you down.”
Draw symbolic lines
The most empowering way to step back? Literally take a step, advises Dr. Northrup, who explains that when she decided to bar toxic people from her life, she picked up a garden hoe and drew a line around her home to symbolize the border “no energy vampire would cross.” Physically taking such steps, she explains, convinces your mind and spirit that you’re making a real change. While a garden hoe adds a ceremonial touch, just strolling has the same effect. “Take a ‘walking meditation’ repeating, ‘I am safe; I am protected.’” The result? Reveals Dr. Northrup, “I now have boundaries like Fort Knox!”