Ask America’s ultimate experts

We all have personal narratives about our lives— but if they’re embedded with negativity, they become self-sabotaging scripts. Here, our experts share how to turn the page to new possibilities

Discover your hidden stories

Make sense of the spin Our minds create stories about ourselves and others as shortcuts to help us make sense of the world. “These stories are so familiar to us, we don’t even notice them,” says therapist Linda Miles, PH.D. If, say, a friend let you down at a formative time, you may replay the script, I can never count on anyone, as a subconscious defense mechanism. “When you find yourself using words like always or never, you’re starting to uncover story patterns.”

Your body ‘ tells’ too “Your body senses narratives before your mind catches up,” says Miles. “Stories aren’t always logical and are often rooted in the stress response.” Say you see a friend’s Facebook page bursting with photos of a recent trip, and you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach—a sign that you’re setting off a nonverbal script comparing yourself to her.

Counteract this tension with a few deep breaths. “Once your body releases anxiety, you can more easily let go of the story that triggered it.”

Shift your view

No matter how truthful they seem, our stories can trick us, says psychologist Timothy Wilson, PH.D. “It’s called ‘naïve realism,’ the idea that we see life as it is, when, in fact, we filter it through our preconceptions.” Telling yourself it’s impossible to find love after a certain age? Step back and look around. Is anyone dating in their 60s? “Adopting a third-person perspective gets you out of your story and shifts your outlook.”

Set happier filters

Recall the good When a negative event infects our larger narrative, it can lead to a “contaminated life story,” reveals psychologist Robyn

Fivush, PH.D. “We get stuck in that defining moment, and it colors all the other stories we tell ourselves.” The opposite of a contaminated narrative is a redemptive one, and it starts by mining meaning from the past. Simply recall a turning point event, and look for silver linings. Perhaps a career setback led you to repeat the story that life isn’t fair. Is there a more positive filter you can use? Is this change inspiring you to spread your wings? “A redemptive story describes how we persevered, so we can make meaning out of the event.”

Revise a challenge

A proven way to change our narrative is to literally write a new one, says Wilson, citing the example of late novelist Sue Grafton: “One of her goals was to create a heroine who would inspire her to write a different life story,” he says. Through her bold lead character, she began seeing herself as more courageous and the world as less daunting. Take a page out of Grafton’s book by journaling about a recent setback for 10 minutes a few nights in a row. Would your heroine have done anything differently? “Revising” a challenge gives you insight into the small shifts you can make to write your next chapter.

Share stories

Narratives, by their nature, are meant to be told. “Sharing your stories with loved ones gives you a framework to reevaluate them and find new inspiration,” says Fivush. As Miles puts it, “When the people we trust listen to our stories with loving attention, we can begin to heal our past and move forward toward a happier future.”