Newlyweds may need creativity to solve intimacy issue
DEAR ANNIE: I am 30 and my wife is 27, and we are completely in love. My wife is a very spiritual woman and wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. I respected her choice and we were engaged for almost two years. No problem.
Then comes the wedding. BIG problem. We simply do not fit physically. I am more endowed than my very petite wife can handle. Our wedding night was a nightmare. Since then, we have tried to have sex many times. The results are always the same -- she is physically hurt and I feel terrible.
What can we do? We have talked to doctors and they have suggested lubricants, etc., but nothing works. – Too Much of a Good Thing
DEAR TOO MUCH: We know this makes sexual intimacy difficult and your wife’s anticipation of pain may now be a contributing factor to the problem. Have you tried different positions where she has more control over what’s going on? Also, please look into assistance through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists at aasect.org.
DEAR ANNIE: Your answer to “Torn Son” was good, but not complete. He said he tries to help his father, who lost his job, but Dad spends money on alcohol and drugs. By suggesting that “Son” pay Dad’s rent and utilities directly, he is still indirectly giving Dad money. Any money supplied for Dad’s care allows him to spend his own on drugs and alcohol.
Instead, when Dad gets food stamps, take him shopping for food. If he receives cash assistance, make sure he pays his rent and utilities the same day. Go with him to the doctor and ask about rehab. Do not pay for anything until all of his money is used up. Then he won’t have any money to buy drugs.
We learned this lesson the hard way. My nephew would frequently claim he had no cash on him, so we’d buy his deodorant and shaving cream. When he said his food card was empty, we’d buy his groceries. Little did we know, he had the money, but he wanted us to buy these necessities so he could use his own to pay for alcohol.
He drank himself to death the day after he got his monthly cash allowance. He was 29. – Missing My Nephew
DEAR MISSING: How heartbreaking for your family. Since Dad was unemployed, we were not certain there was any money other than what the son was giving him. But you are right that addicts will buy drugs and alcohol before they will pay their rent, and any cash they receive will go directly into their addiction. It can be difficult to say “no” when someone tells you they have no money for groceries or toothpaste, but you have pointed out the perils of assuming they are telling the truth.
DEAR ANNIE: I felt compelled when I read the letter from “Feeling Annoyed,” who asked how to tell her friend that her gum chewing was annoying.
Many years ago, I carpooled with four other people. One day, one of the riders snapped at me, “Sally, would you PLEASE stop smacking your gum – it’s hurting my headache!” I never smacked my gum again. Sometimes the direct approach is the most effective. – Smackin’ Sally No More
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. You can also find Annie on Facebook at Facebook.com/ AskAnnies.