Pen-pricks

• New York City Transit Authority officials said that New York’s subways are too slow and too dirty and too smelly and too crowded. They’ve blamed it all on the train’s passengers. The conditions on the subway are so bad every morning many commuters have decided to urinate at home.

• Los Angeles rap mogul Suge Knight was sentenced to 28 years in prison for running over and killing a rival rap producer in an L.A. parking lot. It began when Suge took six bullets to the belly at a Rap Awards postparty on Sunset. The party must have been in honor of Beethoven and Stevie Wonder because by the time the cops arrived, nobody heard anything and nobody saw anything.

• House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said she’s ready to become Speaker of the House again Democrats regain control of Congress. She represents the most Democratic city in the country. San Francisco is the only place in the world that offers you Trump jokes performed by street mimes.

• China’s media reported North Korea’s Kim Jung Un is so happy with his meeting with South Korea last week that he’s ready to have another summit with President Trump. This is big news. The excitement is building around the world as we move to Round Two of the World’s Silliest Haircut.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and a speaker. His email address is argus@argushamilton.com.