pen-pricks
• The Centers for Disease Control welcomed the president’s plan to have 200 million vials of vaccine produced by this summer. It now appears that Biden has figured out a way to cut the number of COVID deaths in half. He’s going to have Gov. Cuomo do the counting.
• The White House issued an executive order directing Homeland Security to make preparations to unite the migrant kids held at the border with their families if they come and claim them. All those kids are being cared for at the border for a good reason. They are America’s Strategic Soccer Reserve.
• Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced that he will step down as the company’s chief executive officer. Twenty-six years ago, Bezos founded Amazon in his garage as an online book seller. He will be leaving with an excellent package, slightly damaged and delivered three doors down.
• The Weather Channel showed a huge snowstorm struck the Eastern Seaboard on Monday. By midnight, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania reported receiving 12 to 18 inches of snow. However these are Democratic states so by the next morning the numbers were 24 inches to 36 inches.
• Senate Democrats will try Donald Trump 19 days after he left the White House on Monday. It’ll cost him a lot of money. It’s patently unconstitutional for the Senate to try a private citizen, but after what Trump’s followers did to Washington, D.C.. there’s NO way he’s going to get his deposit back.
• House Impeachment manager Congressman Raskin wrote a letter to Donald Trump asking him to testify in the upcoming trial in the Senate. Hopefully, the invitation stirs up a little bit of Broadway in Trump. There is nothing like the star of the original agreeing to perform in the revival.
• Hunter Biden got a two million dollar advance for his upcoming memoir. A publisher giving a newly sober cokehead two million in cash is like the voters giving Schumer and Pelosi a majority, a Democratic president and the COVID Relief Bill. You can only feel so good before your heart explodes.
• Senate Democrats voted to take the two trillion dollar COVID relief Bill to reconciliation amid GOP charges that it’s socialism. Personally I hate socialism. All I want from the COVID Relief Bill is enough money to indefinitely support my upscale lifestyle and frontier sense of rugged individualism.
• The Washington Redskins hired two African Americans as team executives as well as a black woman as assistant running backs coach. The NFL is now a league that looks like America. In President Biden’s honor, an elderly white man will be allowed to quarterback in the Super Bowl today.
• L.A. Sheriff’s Deputies arrested seven teenagers Friday for changing the Hollywood sign to read Holly-Boob. It was ever thus. I don’t want to say that Hollywood has always been obsessed with the shape of women’s breasts, but it’s no accident the Golden Globes are followed by the SAG Awards.