Football addicts, you can find help
hen looking for a psychologist to do some major whining, make sure the so-called expert has a And it better not be from a school with anything close to a golden arch on its logo.
Many people are searching for emotional help right now.
Not because the leader of the
Free World (or is it Frisbee World?) is in hot water, but because they are suffering from FWS - Football Withdrawal Syndrome.
Every year in late January or early February, pot-bellied, nacho-chomping, cigarsmoking crazed football fans get depressed. Dr. Ruth and
Dear Abby are not equipped to handle this condition. Only watching people who can run faster than most small-sized cars bang into other people like a monster traffic jam w ill do the trick.
They need football. And they need it now. But like “Baseketbau” winning an
Oscar, It’s not going to happen. Not this year. But to tide Monday Night Football addicts over, here are some viewing suggestions:
Any talk show that begins with “Em all that because...” These shows are sure to satisfy any need to watch violence. While the pigskin offers flying helmets and shoulder pads, these tidbits offer flying chairs, wigs and make-up cases.
NBA. Sorry, scratch that.
You could watch if you like bricks.
Home Improvement. Personally, I’ve never watched an entire show. But supposedly, the star hosts a tool show, he grunts a lot and is a major foot ball fan. Tools and football go togetherlikereggiewhiteand quarterback concussions.
Sports bar bowling. All you need is sorrfe oranges and bottles. I know most sports fans like fruit about as much as a PBS special shown in place of a Lions-packers game. But just line the bottles up and toss away. Watch out for beer-bottle cuts.
That 70s Show. No reason. I just like it.
Hockey. Most may not be able to watch a tiny puck after viewing a football all winter long. But there may be even more violence on the ice than on the grass. There are certainly more fights, eye-gouging and false teeth.
Australian rules football. No, this is not where Paul
Hogan sets the standards for a game of Monopoly. This is kind oflike rugby, only the referees wear all-white, looking like overdressed nurses.
Any traffic jam. Nothing gets people hotter than o f bumperjo-bumper gridlock.
Just watch out for flying license plates or bumper stickers.thosesignsreading“i brake for ants” can really hurt.
I ’m sure many FW S sufferers have their only routine to get through the tough times. Eating M&MS, drinking Valvoline or roasting hot dogs with a blow torch may be ways to cope with the football loss.
I could never understand how someone can get so wrapped up in what is happening on television. Unless you actually go to the game, that is all the NFL is, just like the spleen episode of“er.” Hinging your existence on what happens on tiny bits ofdispersed light is ludicrous.
Unless you’re talking about soap operas. Guiding Light is groovy.