Dealing with bullies, overcoming them

UNLESS you’ve directly experienced bullying, you may not realise just how devastating it can be, especially to a child or teenager.

As well as being deeply hurtful, bullying can leave anyone feeling frightened, angry, depressed, and totally undermined. But bullying should never be tolerated.

Whether you’re the one being bullied, or you’re a teacher or parent who thinks their child is being bullied or engaged in bullying behaviour, there are steps you can take to deal with the problem.

What is Bullying?

Bullying is repeated aggressive behaviour that can be physical, verbal, or relational. Boys frequently bully using physical threats and actions, while girls are more likely to engage in verbal or relationship bullying.

The results are similar: You are made to feel hurt, angry, afraid, helpless, hopeless, isolated, ashamed, and even guilty that the bullying is somehow your fault. You may even feel suicidal.

Your physical health is likely to suffer, and you are at a greater risk of developing mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or adult onset — post-traumatic stress disorder.

You are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school to avoid being bullied.

The most damaging aspect of bullying is its repetition. Bullies are often relentless, bullying over and over again for long periods of time. You may live in constant fear of where and when the bully will strike next, what they’ll do, and how far they’ll go.

Physical bullying: Hitting, kicking, or pushing someone or even just threatening to do it

Stealing, hiding, or ruining someone’s things

Hazing, harassment, humiliation. Making someone do things he or she doesn’t want to do.

Verbal bullying: Name-calling, teasing, taunting, insulting or otherwise verbally abusing someone.

Relationship bullying: Refusing to talk to someone, excluding someone from groups or activities, spreading lies or rumours about someone.

Why a bully might be targeting you: Research shows that about 25% of kids experience bullying, so you’re not alone.

While there are many reasons why bullies may be targeting you, the main reasons are usually your physical appearance or social standing within your peer group.

Bullies tend to pick on people who are “different” or don’t fit in with the mainstream.

It may be because of how you dress, act, or because of your race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It may simply be that you’re new to the school or neighbourhood and haven’t made friends yet.

If you are being bullied, remember: Don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. No matter what someone says or does, you should not be ashamed of who you are or what you feel.

Be proud of who you are. Despite what a bully says, there are many wonderful things about you.

Keep those in mind instead of the messages you hear from bullies.

Get help: Talk to a parent, teacher, counsellor, or other trusted adult. Seeing a counsellor does not mean there is something wrong with you.

Learn to deal with stress: Finding ways to relieve stress can make you more resilient so you won’t feel overwhelmed by bullying. Exercise, meditation, positive self-talk, muscle relaxation, and breathing exercises are all good ways to manage the stress from bullying.

Tips for dealing with a bully and overcoming bullying:

Walk away from the bully. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions so don’t react with anger or retaliate with physical force.

If you walk away, ignore them, or calmly and assertively tell them you’re not interested in what they have to say, you’re demonstrating that they don’t have control over you.

Protect yourself. If you can’t walk away and are being physically hurt, protect yourself so you can get away. Your safety is the first priority.

Report the bullying to a trusted adult. If you don’t report threats and assaults, a bully will often become more and more aggressive.

In many cases adults can find ways to help with the problem without letting the bully know it was you who reported them.

Repeat as necessary. Like the bully, you may have to be relentless. Report each and every bullying incident until it stops.