10 mistakes teens’ parents need to avoid

BEING in a relationship requires us to make hundreds of decisions every day, so we are apt to make a mistake now and then. This is especially true of a relationship as complicated as the one between parents and teens.

However, there are some underlying factors that lead parents to make bad decisions. Being aware of these pitfalls will help you avoid a fight or two. For the most part, these mistakes violate psychological boundaries, and boundaries make good relationships.

They also prevent children from having their own feelings and thinking for themselves. Following these points will keep you from rushing in too quickly to rescue your child. This is really important if you want your kids to be resilient and independent.

Don’t over-identify with your kids

Empathy is understanding someone else’s feelings. Over identifying means feeling them as if they were your own. We all feel the pain of the people we love, just as we revel in their triumphs.

However, if overdone with our children we rob them of the freedom to have their own experiences, form their own opinions, and solve their own problems. It’s as if the problem they are experiencing is our problem, not theirs.

A patient recently told me when she was out to dinner one of her friends read a text, looked visibly upset, and excused herself from the table. Upon returning she told the group her daughter texted because a boy she liked had not the returned an IM.

The mother reacted as if the boy ghosted her, not her daughter. This lack of boundaries will make it hard for the girl to become an independent adult. In order to avoid overidentifying with your child, ask yourself: How is your child like you? Not like you? Are you overly concerned or preoccupied with what makes your child happy or sad? Don’t take anything too personally

Some days it may seem like your teen takes you for granted, rejects, or even hates you. He doesn’t. He’s just doing what kids do: being preoccupied, pushing limits, or having trouble regulating emotions.

Obviously you should not tolerate meanness or disrespect. Remember, though, that you are an easy target because you’re safe. You will never stop loving your teen, and he knows it. Taking things personally leads to anger, frustration, hurt, and guilt. It’s these feelings that destroy your equilibrium, not your child. They also lead you to make bad decisions.

In the heat of an argument, remember this is really not about you, it’s about your child. If he does hurt your feelings, give it some time and approach him later when a productive conversation is more likely to happen. Don’t make predictions about their future

Projecting your teen’s current behaviour onto their future self is futile at best and harmful at worst. Things will change dramatically between now and then. Worrying that your son will never learn to clean his room, brush his teeth, or be on time is what psychologists call “catastrophic thinking”.

These types of thoughts have little to do with reality, but a lot to do with your anxiety. Worrying about their future keeps you from effectively parenting the child you have now.

Kids also need their parents to be hopeful about their future, especially since they worry more about it than you think. It’s a lot more helpful to say “I know you will eventually figure this out” than “How will you ever be successful?”

Don’t model losing control to someone struggling to keep his cool.

Remember that during adolescence, self-control and self-regulation are emerging abilities. We often think of teens as almost finished adults — like a cake that just needs a little more time to bake. More often, however, your son is like a toddler in an adult’s body. If you keep that in mind when he is screaming at you about how unfair it is to make him do the dishes, it will be easier to maintain decorum.

Getting him to help out around the house is a good idea, but showing him how to stay calm while resolving conflicts is even more important. He won’t be able to follow your lead consistently, not yet, but eventually, he will get it.

Don’t engage in power struggles

A teenager is a power struggle waiting to happen. It’s a way for him to assert his independence and feel more grown-up (even when acting like a child). Teens will always win battles of will because they have everything to gain and nothing to lose. It’s best to avoid power struggles altogether by giving your son a choice.

When you are engaged in a tug of war about whether he will have dinner with his grandparents (and miss a night out with friends), remember it’s not about the issue at hand, it’s a battle of wills.

Offer him a choice — he can join you for dinner and see his friends next weekend, or he can see his friends this evening, and be grounded next weekend.

This may sound sneaky, but it’s not because the choice is real. He may decide that whatever his friends are doing is so important that it’s worth being grounded next weekend. If that is the case you have to let him go out, but make sure you follow through on the consequence Don’t compensate for a spouse you think is too lenient or too strict

Many parents tell me they have to be either too soft or too strict in order to make up for the opposite extreme in their spouse.

However, compensating for a spouse creates more problems than it solves. First, it puts you in the middle of your son’s relationship with his other parent.

This is a violation of boundaries. He needs to learn how to negotiate a relationship with both of you. It also compromises your ability to make good parenting decisions.

Kids need parents who are consistent, firm, but also reasonable. If your spouse cannot be this parent, at least you can. Until you and your spouse can get on the same page, make up for their failings by being a good parent, not one who makes the same mistakes they do.

Don’t talk when you need to listen

Listening is one of the most powerful things one human being can do for another. It expresses support and unconditional love.

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