How teens dribble past their parents

TEENAGERS know how to push their parents’ buttons. Instinctively, they come up with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or cause their parents to blow a fuse out of frustration. How do you prepare to parent all of that? There are smart ways to counteract the manipulation. Here’s what the experts have to say about keeping peace in your family, not to mention your own peace of mind.

Lying

White lies or lies of omission are common. For example, your child may be upfront about going to her friend’s house, but leave out the fact that her friend’s parents won’t be home and there will be alcohol there.

As kids get older, the lies become more sophisticated and, therefore, more difficult to identify. Stay vigilant about knowing where your child is going and with whom in order to minimise lying. And when you catch a lie, strike immediately. Let your child know that lying is not acceptable and it’s an offence.

Retaliation

Many teens provoke their parents by doing something hurtful or simply not following through with things expected of them —like cleaning their rooms — just to even the score for not getting their way. Calmly let your teen know that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

If she persists, it’s time again to reinforce that there is a consequence for such behaviour. Begin restricting what is most important to her — phone, television, video games, times with friends and then follow through.

Emotional blackmail

Ask parents what they most want for their children and many will say “to be happy”. That’s what makes emotional blackmail. The world is not just about being happy, it’s the parent’s job to help the teen to learn. It’s okay for your child to be sad when his behaviour impacts the way he lives in the world or the lives of others.

Focus on what you’re asking your child to do while ignoring the emotions. If he tells you you’re ruining his life by making him do homework before he can go to a party, Swanson suggests saying to your teen: “I understand that you think I’m ruining your life because you have to do your homework, but you still need to do it before you can go out.”

As a parent, if you can consistently keep your poise, overtime your child will stop using emotional blackmail as a form of manipulation.

Shutting down

Kids use shutting down and not responding as a strategy because they think it will make your request magically go away. You can let your child know that although she may choose not to speak to you, she isn’t invisible. If your child is upset about something, acknowledge that and let her know you are there to talk even if it’s three days from now.

A good, responsible parent who will walk away and feel great about what he has done is not a parent who avoids conflict with his child. It is doing what you know is right and that is to put safety first, your child’s better interest for the future second and happiness last.

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