Helping teenagers adjust after separation or divorce
IF you and your partner are separating, your child might be feeling all kinds of things — just like you. Strong or mixed feelings are normal. Your child might be confused or even shocked because he/she didn’t see it coming.
They might get sad and anxious because they don’t know what will happen next.
They might also be relieved, particularly if there has been conflict or family violence. Some teenagers might be more relaxed, happier and healthier after a separation. It can feel like a fresh start for everyone.
It’s also common for teenagers to be concerned or feel guilty if they think they have added to the problems between you.
Your child might worry that they will lose contact with one of you, even if he/ she doesn’t say so. Or they might not want contact with one of you because they blame one of the parents for the separation.
And your child might think they need to support one or both of you, and feel resentful or overwhelmed by this responsibility.
On a practical level, your child might worry about where they will live. For example, your child might worry that their home will be sold, and that they might have to move away from his/her friends and school. The possibility that they will have two homes — one with one parent, one with the other — might also worry them.
All children will take time to adjust.
Explaining the situation
It can help if your child understands why you and your partner are separating. A good way to tackle this is to have a family meeting to explain the separation to your child.
Your child needs to know that it’s not their fault — it’s a grown-up decision about your relationship. And if you can explain things without laying blame, your child is less likely to feel that they have to choose between you. After all, your child has the right to an ongoing relationship with both of you.
Listening, letting your child talk
Once you have had a say, your child will need a chance to express his/her feelings. This could be during your family meeting or later on, when they have had a chance to think things over.
Talking can help your child deal with difficult emotions and fears. And when your child is ready to talk, active listening can help you work out how best to comfort him/her.
If your child finds it difficult to talk to you about the separation, they might be able to talk with another trusted adult — perhaps an aunt or uncle, family friend, teacher or counsellor.
Reassuring your child
Some teenagers might feel caught between their separating parents. Others might also worry that they need to look after one or both of you or their brothers or sisters. Your child needs your reassurance that they do not need to look after or be responsible for anyone else. If family members need help, they will get it for themselves, or from you and your partner.
Protecting your child from conflict
It isn’t good for your child’s wellbeing to be exposed to negativity or conflict between you and your former partner.
So it’s best if you can avoid talking to your child about difficulties with the separation or making negative comments about your former partner. If you need to vent any frustration, talk to a friend, family member or therapist.
If you have to discuss problems with your former partner, make a time when your child isn’t around — for example, when they are at school or visiting grandparents. It also helps to know how to manage conflict with your former partner.
Sticking with routines
If it’s possible for your child to keep his daily routine, stay in the same house or neighbourhood, go to the same school and keep doing normal things like sport, it will make the change in your family easier for him.
Even if you and your child are not going to be living together full time any more, you can still stay connected.
You can stay interested in your child’s life and keep doing the special things that you’ve always done — for example, kicking the footy, cooking together, watching your child play sport, seeing movies together or going shopping.