When love comes with baggage

LET’S face it, when one reaches a certain age, finding a partner without a past relationship is practically impossible.

Everyone has an ex of some sort, whether the circumstances of their parting was amicable or not.

But are the circumstances of what happened to your predecessor important when deciding to settle down?

Are there different dynamics to marrying a spouse whose previous partner passed away versus one who was divorced, or one who was never married?

Relationship expert Lethabo Ntsasa (South Africa) says there are certain things you have to take into consideration for the different circumstances.

“Marriage itself is hard work, even when both partners put their 150 percent into it. Marrying into circumstances that weren’t exactly savoury can, if not handled correctly, spell disaster for all the parties involved,” he says.

Ntsasa delves into different relationship dynamics and how to handle them. Marrying someone who is divorced “This scenario is two-fold, as divorce can either leave one party bitter, emotionally scarred and pessimistic about marriage, or they can realise that they have finally found the right glove fit.

“There are some family dynamics to take into consideration as well, like the kids.

“Experts agree that divorce is harder on the children, so it can be quite tricky to marry a divorcee as there is likely to be some unresolved emotional issues for everyone who was directly or indirectly affected by the divorce.”

Ntsasa says that one needs to suss out if their partner has truly gotten over the divorce.

“If they are not, you as the new spouse will constantly pay for someone else’s mistakes. So if your partner has a cat-and-dog relationship with their ex that involves constant fights and disagreements about co-parenting, I would recommend not taking that faithful leap just as yet.

“A lot of healing needs to happen first, and counselling can definitely remedy the situation. In the meantime, watch from the sidelines,” he says. Marrying someone whose spouse passed away “Firstly, there should be a time frame around this. When someone we care about passes away, it requires a lot of time to mourn them.

“We go through the classic stages of grief. Any attempt to take on a new spouse before the grief process is done will definitely not work out, as the spouse is not the only one in mourning, but the kids and the family too.

“It would be a bit unfair to expect them to turn on the switch of acceptance and happiness for the new union so soon.”

Ntsasa says he would recommend a five-year period between losing a life partner and taking on a new one.

“I think a lot of healing can take place in five years. When the partner feels ready to move on, I would recommend calling a family meeting to announce this.

“Most people make this mistake of only telling their children and family about moving on only after they have acquired a new potential spouse.

“That is not fair. Give them time to swallow the news, so they can put their own grief to rest. After some time, the new partner can be introduced.

“As the new spouse, remember, you are not a replacement, but have been passed the baton in a relay. So your job is not to try hard at fitting in.

“In fact, people can tell when someone is trying to be something they are not. My advice is to just be yourself.

“There are obviously qualities that your spouse saw in you that made you a worthy candidate, and if you just be yourself, their family will see them too,” he advises. — Sowetan