Reporting a pregnancy the Ndebele customary way (Part 2)
IN the ancient days, Ndebele men practised elaborate processes to court lovers. The proposals and courting often painstakingly took months or even years before a young lady could agree.
Love proposals were for marriage and there were no ordinary love relationships with no clear sense of purpose or direction. Young people who were only interested in multiple relationships for sexual pleasure were condemned as amabele endlela (sorghum) that grows by the wayside.
The entire courtship process rested on the young man who had to identify a potential partner. The first stage was the investigative stage where after spotting the lady he had to make further enquires before making any move.
Enquiries involved her personal name and character, personal likes and interests. The most important was her clan and its full history. After getting the information about her clan he had a duty to verify with his personal friends, sisters, uncles and aunts.
The last stage was to make final enquiries at the village where the girl came from. He had to ask about her family, relatives and how they were viewed by the entire community. All these processes ensured that he did not marry into the wrong family or against his family wishes.
However, it must be noted that in the olden days people also married their relatives, mostly cousins at a permissible degree. Arranged marriages were also done so as to circulate wealth and power within the royal aristocratic clans. We will do a separate thread on this.
After confirming the suitability of the girl, the courtship process would then begin. This was a thorough and well-choreographed process with a lot of poetry involved. The courtship was by default designed to take a long time.
The young man had to compose powerful and glowing poetic presentations about (a) the girl’s beauty and character (b) the girl’s clan praises and family history (c) his strengths (d) his family history and clan praises and (e) his vision and the future he was promising the girl.
The young man had to present a clearly persuasive case with an inspirational, romantic and persuasive tone. When he was ready, with the assistance of friends and sisters he had to establish the girl’s movement patterns for fetching water and firewood or visiting relatives.
Important gatherings like weddings, the annual Inxwala ceremony, military parades, harvest/ ilima community activities or parties also presented an opportunity for the young man to present his case.
The poetry was often spontaneous and in the presence of the girl’s friends so as to secure her attention. Often times he was ignored and he would just follow them wherever they went, praising her until they reached home. He would still promise to continue the next day.
These presentations were often done in an animated and dramatised form, fused with dances, military displays, body physique demonstrations and poetic whistling. Sometimes the girl would just laugh at the young man and tell him to try elsewhere.
On different occasions his poetry had different themes and points of emphasis. Those who were gifted would even compose songs and sing beautiful songs as well. All these processes tried the young man’s patience and seriousness as they took months or even years.
Once the girl warmed up she would ask the young man his name, “Kanje wathi ungubani nsizwa?” even though she had all the information. To show her interest she would ask for his help to fetch water, carry firewood or accompany her on long journeys.
The above marked the second phase of the courtship. The third phase was informing her sisters. The fourth stage was accepting the proposal non verbally by randomly giving the young man one of her personal adornments often ubuhlalu (necklace or bracelet made of beads).
By giving the young man her beads, it symbolised that the relationship was now formal and preparations for lobola negotiations could commence. The young couple now spent more time together and the young man also made jewellery as gifts and a promise to marry for the girl.
Sex before marriage was not encouraged and as such the elders encouraged them to observe a standard safe sex practice known as ukuhlobonga/ukuphelela emathangazini (intercrural sex/coitus interfemoris/ thigh sex/ thigh job).
If the lady was adamant that she was not interested, the young man often parted with her with these words: “Zal’abantu ziyebantwini. Akula ntombi eyagana inyamazana!” (You will still marry a human being like me and not some special animal).
(Source: @RealMzalaTom)