‘Ukubalekisa, dingelani ngapha’ marriage practice of the Ndebele people
THIS type of marriage was unconventional in nature as it was often associated with conflicts between a young lady and her family. Running away to another man was her only option!
Ukubalekisa literally means being assisted to run away from home and Dingelani ngapha loosely meaning “Come and look for your daughter this side!”
This type of marriage happened where a young woman was escaping being forced to get married to an older man or into a polygamous marriage or getting married to someone she did not love. In this case her true lover was someone known but not approved by her family.
Sometimes ukubalekisa happened when the elders were bickering and stalling lobola negotiations. For example, an important uncle would not turn up for meetings claiming he was busy at the fields. The young people would then resort to ukubalekisa out of frustration.
At times the conflict would be stemming from the parents of the young woman saying she was still too young for marriage or that the young man was too young or just not husband material.
Ukubalekisa was done this way: The young man and his girlfriend would agree that they would marry through ukubalekisa. The girl did not balekisa herself but the young man had to balekisa her from her home, in the girls’ sleeping quarters.
The young man usually came after dark and people were about to sleep. He would then drag the girl out, leaving visible foot prints and marks in the home, to show that an intruder came at night. At times the girl would tip the grandmother or trusted aunt in advance.
Upon arriving at his home, the young man would take the young lady to spend the night in his bedroom. Then early morning he would go to his grandmother and say “Gogo kulomuntu wemzini exhibeni!” (Granny there is a visitor in my bedroom!)
The young lady would then be called out of the room and be welcomed by the rest of the family, with the grandmother leading the introductions of the new bride. There was a lots of ululating, handshakes, hugs and celebrations during the introductions.
Thereafter, isithunywa (messenger) was then sent to the girl’s house to inform them where their child was. Isithunywa was supposed to be a fast runner with a loud voice. Relaying the message was highly risky business.
Isithunywa usually stood by the fence, at a safe distance and would then observe the surrounds. Once he got attention he would then shout, “Abako Dube, bathi dingelani ngapha” and briskly walk away and gather more speed until he ran if necessary.
The girl’s family would have already seen the foot prints and marks in the morning, that an intruder had visited at night. Most families did not like ukubalekisa and as such having isithunywa coming to deliver the news could have him beaten up or dogs would be sent after him!
After receiving the message the girl’s family then sent someone formally to isithunywa to make a request that the girl comes back home for ukucolwa ukuze aphume kuhle ekhaya (to be properly released from home). After that she would then be accompanied to her new home.
Upon arrival, she went through ukucolwa by her father-in-law. Modalities on lobola had to be resolved quickly. At times payments were made soon after she goes back home for ukucolwa or when she is already staying with the husband. (Source: @ RealMzalaTom)