Girl, mom im­preg­nated by same guy

The Manica Post - - Fashion / Dateline / Relationships -

DEAR Dei­dre: For the past 11 years, my dad has been cheat­ing on my mum — and I never sus­pected a thing. I am so an­gry and al­most ashamed to be his son. I am 22 and I work in sales. I wanted to go to univer­sity but my grades weren’t good enough. My brother is 17 and in his fi­nal A-Level year. He wants to go to univer­sity and is al­ready suf­fer­ing panic at­tacks about it. We don’t want to tell him this hor­ri­ble news un­til af­ter his ex­ams. But he must sense that some­thing is not right. I can’t get my head around this as my dad is a lo­cal coun­cil­lor and makes out he is moral and very strait-laced. He brought us up to be hon­est and never let any­one down. What a creep. Maybe I might have ac­cepted his af­fair if it had only gone on for a mat­ter of weeks.

He’s 56 and I could ex­cuse a short fling on the grounds of a mid-life cri­sis. But 11 years is half my life. My mother, who is 53, is livid with him.

They had just cel­e­brated their sil­ver wed­ding. She’s told him to go and he is look­ing for jobs at the other end of the coun­try. I don’t want to see him again.

It turns out he has been giv­ing his lady friend money, when our mum was strug­gling to pay the bills. He also spent time with his girlfriend when our poor mum was suf­fer­ing with breast cancer a few years ago.

Thank good­ness she’s now OK. But when she was ill, I was left car­ing for mum and for my lit­tle brother while dad was en­joy­ing him­self.

The stress badly af­fected my

school work.

If he had been with us, I know I’d be at univer­sity now.

I feel like he has ru­ined my life and I will never for­give what he has done.

I don’t know how to process all this, how to sup­port my mum or how to tell my brother — or when. I keep ask­ing my­self why he did it.

Why were we not enough for

him — my best mate. DEI­DRE SAYS: Please don’t think this was in any way your fault or that you, your mum and your brother are not good enough.

This was all about him and I’m bet­ting the rea­sons go back a long way.

It’s nat­u­ral to be an­gry but don’t be­lieve that he’s ru­ined your life. You can still reach your dreams.

You need a safe place to let out that anger and say how you feel.

It may be bet­ter to break the news to your brother soon be­cause he may be imag­in­ing some­thing even worse. Tell his school too, so it can of­fer him sup­port.

Your dad let you down, there’s no doubt. But you’ve learned re­silience and what is im­por­tant in life. There are plenty out there who, for all kinds of rea­sons, messed up their ex­ams but who still have suc­cess­ful, re­ward­ing ca­reers. DEAR DEI­DRE: I see cou­ples to­gether ev­ery­where and won­der why that can’t be me. I don’t have the con­fi­dence to talk to women and ask them out.

I’m a 56-year-old guy. I was mar­ried for six years but the mar­riage ended 20 years ago.

All the dates I have been on since have been fixed up by my friends. I’ve been to clubs for di­vorcees and on dat­ing sites but noth­ing works. One woman told me the only rea­son she wanted to be with me was to give her kids a sta­ble up­bring­ing.

I’m so lonely. What am I do­ing


DEI­DRE SAYS: You are prob­a­bly giv­ing off an air of need­i­ness.

Fo­cus on the women you meet, not your own needs. Ask them about them­selves, their day, care about what they think and feel, show in­ter­est in their chat and their prob­lems. Peo­ple love be­ing asked about them­selves, will en­joy the con­ver­sa­tion and you don’t have to im­press.

DEAR DEI­DRE: I’ve got two women preg­nant — my girlfriend and her mother. It’s all a night­mare and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years. I’m 27 and she’s 21. She is a ho­tel re­cep­tion­ist, work­ing lots of unso­cia­ble hours. I’m a me­chanic.

We were ar­gu­ing a lot and we de­cided we were go­ing to try hav­ing an open re­la­tion­ship just to see whether we were meant to be to­gether. My girlfriend’s mum is a fit­ness in­struc­tor and takes classes at the gym where I go. She’s amaz­ingly fit and looks about 25.

She de­cided to have an im­promptu party for her 39th birth­day and in­vited me, even though my girlfriend and I weren’t of­fi­cially to­gether, as lots of peo­ple from the gym were go­ing. My girlfriend was away for the week­end at a friend’s hen party. We had lots to drink and ev­ery­one was danc­ing and hav­ing fun. I was ham­mered so her mum said I should stay in the spare room rather than book­ing a cab.

As peo­ple left we started wash­ing up and she went to give me a peck on the cheek to thank me for help­ing her, but it was just as I turned my head and our lips met.

I was shocked but it felt nice. We kissed some more and ended up hav­ing sex on her kitchen ta­ble. Then, to my hor­ror, I saw my girlfriend stand­ing in the door­way. She had come back early from the hen week­end.

She screamed: “You’ve re­ally crossed the line, you b ***** d”. When I pointed out we were hav­ing an open re­la­tion­ship, she calmed down and con­fessed to hav­ing a fling with one of the wait­ers from work. I was fum­ing. Now my girlfriend has found out she is preg­nant and so has her mother. My girlfriend is pos­i­tive it’s mine be­cause of the tim­ing. Her mother says she’s not had sex with any­one for years, so she knows I’m the fa­ther.

While my girlfriend is not speak­ing to me, her mum pesters me to move in with her. Things couldn’t be any worse.

DEI­DRE SAYS: It’s a mess but I’m less wor­ried about how this af­fects you, your girlfriend and her mum than I am about how life will be for two in­no­cent chil­dren if both women de­cide to go ahead with their preg­nancy. You must talk with both of them sep­a­rately and em­pha­sise that they must not let some sort of mis­taken ri­valry stop them think­ing through the con­se­quences. Your re­la­tion­ship with your girlfriend has been far from set­tled and sta­ble. Is ei­ther of you ready to be­come a re­spon­si­ble par­ent? What chance a re­la­tion­ship be­tween you and her mum could last?

The de­ci­sion about con­tin­u­ing with any preg­nancy will rest with your girlfriend and her mother, but they need to know where they stand with you. Don’t mouth state­ments about be­ing sup­port­ive if you’re not go­ing to be com­mit­ted. — the­

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