My ex is ashamed of me
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM having a secret affair with my ex-husband. I hoped we could give our relationship another go but he bit my head off when I mentioned it.
I was 21 when we got married. I am 36 now and he is 35. We have two children, a girl who is now 14 and a boy who is 12. Things got rocky between us. I was taken up with the children and my husband was working all hours to keep our heads above water. In the end it got too much and we separated. Within three months he had moved in with someone else but he comes to see our children.
We found we were getting on better than ever and soon we were having sex again. I have never found anyone else because I was always hoping that he would come to his senses and want me. He always says he loves me and cares for me.
I sacrificed a life of my own in the hope that we would get back together. His other woman then left him two years ago. He took it badly and I was there for him, which brought us very close. At that point I felt able to tell our children and my family that we were giving it another go but that is as far as it went. Our children are old enough to understand and they are asking when he is coming back to live with us. He refuses to tell anyone about us. I do not know what to think and he just snaps at me when I bring it up. I feel like he is ashamed of me and is keeping me a secret. We had a big row about this and he has not spoken to me for a week.
He has texted me that he does not want to see me or speak to me. Now I am at my wits’ end. Do I persevere or call it a day? DEIDRE SAYS: He is clearly taking advantage of your feelings for him. He is having his cake and eating it — enjoying sex with you but trying to hang on to his freedom too. I’m afraid he’s using you. I know he said he does not want to hear from you but you have a right to know where you stand.
My best bet is text him to say that you need to know whether your relationship has a future and why he refuses to tell anyone about you.
Point out that his deceitful behaviour is damaging for your children because you are giving them very mixed messages about what is going on and they must be confused and upset.
If your ex has no reasonable explanation, things are not going to change and you would be best to finish with him. Then look for someone new who will want the whole world to know that he is with you.
DEAR DEIDRE: My wife kicked me out when she saw I had been texting another woman. We are 42 and have ten-year-old twin sons. My wife has refused sex ever since their birth. Our marriage has also been hit by me losing two jobs through gambling. My wife saw the texts and told me to get out. Then I discovered that my wife had been seeing another man.
Things got very messy. She stopped me seeing the children so I met our son from school and took him away for the weekend. She took me to court but I am allowed alternate weekends with the kids. I have told my wife I love her and asked her to have me back but she refuses. I do not know whether to wait for her or move on. I have met someone else and we like each other but I am torn. DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife says she will not have you back and you have already met someone else. Your marriage is over in all but the
DEAR DEIDRE: Someone hacked my sister’s iCloud and shared intimate photos of her online. I’m worried she is thinking of killing herself and I’m desperate to help
She has tried to delete them but they come up on other sites when you Google her name. Everyone talks about this down the pub and now our two male cousins have had naked photos of her sent to them by a random stranger.
This has affected her deeply. She’s only 20 years old and now more withdrawn and nervy than ever. She’s told me she’s thinking of ending her life.
DEIDRE SAYS: I do feel for you all but reassure your poor sister she hasn’t done anything wrong. Those who are putting her through this are breaking the law and she should contact the police. Of course that feels scary so suggest she first contact the Revenge Porn Helpline which is dedicated to supporting adults who have been victims of image-based abuse. — Online.