My ex is ashamed of me

The Manica Post - - Fashion / dateline / relationships -

DEAR DEI­DRE: I AM hav­ing a se­cret af­fair with my ex-hus­band. I hoped we could give our re­la­tion­ship an­other go but he bit my head off when I men­tioned it.

I was 21 when we got mar­ried. I am 36 now and he is 35. We have two chil­dren, a girl who is now 14 and a boy who is 12. Things got rocky be­tween us. I was taken up with the chil­dren and my hus­band was work­ing all hours to keep our heads above wa­ter. In the end it got too much and we sep­a­rated. Within three months he had moved in with some­one else but he comes to see our chil­dren.

We found we were get­ting on bet­ter than ever and soon we were hav­ing sex again. I have never found any­one else be­cause I was al­ways hop­ing that he would come to his senses and want me. He al­ways says he loves me and cares for me.

I sac­ri­ficed a life of my own in the hope that we would get back to­gether. His other woman then left him two years ago. He took it badly and I was there for him, which brought us very close. At that point I felt able to tell our chil­dren and my fam­ily that we were giv­ing it an­other go but that is as far as it went. Our chil­dren are old enough to un­der­stand and they are ask­ing when he is com­ing back to live with us. He re­fuses to tell any­one about us. I do not know what to think and he just snaps at me when I bring it up. I feel like he is ashamed of me and is keep­ing me a se­cret. We had a big row about this and he has not spo­ken to me for a week.

He has texted me that he does not want to see me or speak to me. Now I am at my wits’ end. Do I per­se­vere or call it a day? DEI­DRE SAYS: He is clearly tak­ing ad­van­tage of your feel­ings for him. He is hav­ing his cake and eat­ing it — en­joy­ing sex with you but try­ing to hang on to his free­dom too. I’m afraid he’s us­ing you. I know he said he does not want to hear from you but you have a right to know where you stand.

My best bet is text him to say that you need to know whether your re­la­tion­ship has a fu­ture and why he re­fuses to tell any­one about you.

Point out that his de­ceit­ful be­hav­iour is dam­ag­ing for your chil­dren be­cause you are giv­ing them very mixed mes­sages about what is go­ing on and they must be con­fused and upset.

If your ex has no rea­son­able ex­pla­na­tion, things are not go­ing to change and you would be best to fin­ish with him. Then look for some­one new who will want the whole world to know that he is with you.

DEAR DEI­DRE: My wife kicked me out when she saw I had been tex­ting an­other woman. We are 42 and have ten-year-old twin sons. My wife has re­fused sex ever since their birth. Our mar­riage has also been hit by me los­ing two jobs through gam­bling. My wife saw the texts and told me to get out. Then I dis­cov­ered that my wife had been see­ing an­other man.

Things got very messy. She stopped me see­ing the chil­dren so I met our son from school and took him away for the week­end. She took me to court but I am al­lowed al­ter­nate week­ends with the kids. I have told my wife I love her and asked her to have me back but she re­fuses. I do not know whether to wait for her or move on. I have met some­one else and we like each other but I am torn. DEI­DRE SAYS: Your wife says she will not have you back and you have al­ready met some­one else. Your mar­riage is over in all but the

for­mal­i­ties.

DEAR DEI­DRE: Some­one hacked my sis­ter’s iCloud and shared in­ti­mate pho­tos of her on­line. I’m wor­ried she is think­ing of killing her­self and I’m des­per­ate to help

She has tried to delete them but they come up on other sites when you Google her name. Every­one talks about this down the pub and now our two male cousins have had naked pho­tos of her sent to them by a ran­dom stranger.

This has af­fected her deeply. She’s only 20 years old and now more with­drawn and nervy than ever. She’s told me she’s think­ing of end­ing her life.

DEI­DRE SAYS: I do feel for you all but re­as­sure your poor sis­ter she hasn’t done any­thing wrong. Those who are putting her through this are break­ing the law and she should con­tact the po­lice. Of course that feels scary so sug­gest she first con­tact the Re­venge Porn Helpline which is ded­i­cated to sup­port­ing adults who have been vic­tims of im­age-based abuse. — On­line.

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