Sorry, but he is using you

I AM having a secret affair with my ex-husband. I hoped we could give our relationship another go, but he bit my head off when I mentioned it.

I was 21 when we got married. I am 36 now and he is 35. We have two children, a girl who is now 14 and a boy who is 12.

Things got rocky between us. I was taken up with the children and my husband was working all hours to keep our heads above water. In the end it got too much and we separated. Within three months he had moved on with someone else, but he comes to see our children.

We found we were getting on better than ever and soon we were having sex again. I have never found anyone else because I was always hoping that he would come to his senses and want me. He always says he loves me and cares for me.

I sacrificed a life of my own in the hope that we would get back together. His other woman then left him two years ago. He took it badly and I was there for him, which brought us very close.

At that point I felt able to tell our children and my family that we were giving it another go but that is as far as it went. Our children are old enough to understand and they are asking when he is coming back to live with us.

He refuses to tell anyone about us. I do not know what to think and he just snaps at me when I bring it up. I feel like he is ashamed of me and is keeping me a secret. We had a big row about this and he has not spoken to me for a week.

He has texted me that he does not want to see me or speak to me. Now I am at my wits’ end. Do I persevere or call it a day?

DEIDRE SAYS: He is clearly taking advantage of your feelings.

He is having his cake and eating it — enjoying sex with you but trying to hang on to his freedom too. I’m afraid he’s using you. I know he said he does not want to hear from you but you have a right to know where you stand.

Text him to say that you need to know whether your relationship has a future and why he refuses to tell anyone about you.

Point out that his deceitful behaviour is damaging for your children because you are giving them very mixed messages about what is going on and they must be confused and upset.

If your ex has no reasonable explanation, things are not going to change and you would be best to end it with him. Then look for someone new who will want the whole world to know that he is with you.

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She moves in and out of home willy-nilly DEAR DEADRIE.

My sister once chose her boyfriend over our family and decided to move in with him against our parents’ wishes. But, now that the chickens have come home to roost and he dumped her, she wants to move back home and behaves as if nothing has happened. She even had the audacity to try to kick me out of her room. I find it hard to reconcile with her. What should l do?

DEADRIE SAYS: I can imagine how everyone is still dealing with how they felt when she decided to move in with her boyfriend and those emotions have not been resolved to this day. It would benefit everyone to deal with these feelings so that she can be made aware of how other people feel.

It seems she has a way of bullying her way through situations without taking into consideration how other people would feel and that has not changed.

The family has to be assertive in making her aware that they can’t always dance to her tune. Unfortunately, over time, she has forfeited certain things and can’t claim them back as if nothing has changed.

Until she is made aware of this, she will continue to be as she is. Having said that, she should not be punished her whole lifetime for her bad decision, especially when she tries to work with the family.