Partner in love with late girlfriend

My partner of three years is still in love with his girlfriend who died five years ago. He was only with her for a few months, but describes their time together as truly magical. She died in a car accident. Although we have a lovely relationship, it saddens me and I doubt I will ever reach that height in his affections. I wanted to be the one truly special person in his life, as he is in mine, but he makes me feel second best, even though she is no longer around.

How can I stop thinking this way, as it is destructive and pointless, but still so upsetting for me?

He has never had counselling for his loss as he says nothing can bring her back. Before he met me, he never spoke of her death to anyone, not even his family or close friends. I am not sure if he is ready for this relationship. I am stuck on what to do.

Please can you help me?

Tete Joyie Says:

Losing someone close so suddenly can be utterly shocking as there is no time to become accustomed to the space they ultimately leave in your heart and your life.

This must have been very tragic for your partner, and I will draw comfort from the fact that he is able to confide his grief in you. Retaining love for his deceased girlfriend does not mean he cares less for you.

Have you considered that he might be feeling guilty that he could not save her? Focus on reassuring him that counselling could help him move on from his loss in a positive healthy manner, as no one should be expected to deal with such trauma by themselves.

Look at the positives - he sounds like someone who is trying to be honourable. He is showing that he was committed to this lady, and is being honest, which is really important too.

Be kind, try to imagine the pain he must have felt, losing her in this way, and let him know that you understand she meant a lot to him.

Gently explain to him that he does not need to forget her to embrace you.

Avoid comparing yourself to someone who is no longer here, and assuming you fall short. You could never take her place, just as she could never had been who you are, and have what you and your partner share.

Acknowledging her memory is far healthier than trying to banish it, and could enrich your relationship.

Nevertheless, if the thought that there was someone else your partner cared for before you met still bothers you, then perhaps you are the one not ready for the relationship. It is only you who is allowing the past to affect your present, and jeopardise your future happiness. ********************* I resent my friend

Dear Tete Joyie:

My friend has the life that I want. We met at university where we were both studying the same course. Since then she has always been one step ahead of me. She secured a job first at a place where I had also applied for a job.

He has a lovely husband, two children and a beautiful house. I hardly get to see her now, and miss the times we used to share. She was always so loyal and thoughtful, but now it is me who has to contact her first. Meanwhile, I am in a job with little prospects, struggling to pay my bills, and don’t seem to have the time for a relationship. I have been trying to just get on with everything, but I am now feeling completely stuck, and resent my friend for having the ‘perfect life’.

Tete Joyie says:

I believe that it is not so much that you resent your friend for what she has. Now that her family prioritise her attention, it is the friendship you are missing and fearful of losing.

Be honest and open with your friend. It will also be good to spend some regular time together, as her friendship is very important to you.

By writing to me, you have taken an important step in acknowledging that you are not happy with your life. Make this a turning point.

Yes, your friend will always be special as you have shared your growing years together, but you need to start meeting other people you can share more common interests with. Start looking for a new job that pays more and will offer you a change of environment. This will enable you to meet new people and also improve your cash flow. We can be easily seduced by the fairytale of other people’s lives and become blinded by the reality of how things really are. Remember, the very true saying:

‘The grass is not always greener on the other side’. Have you considered that your friend may be just as envious of you for different reasons?

She has huge responsibilities, whereas you have lots of freedom to do as you please. You are so concerned with what you don’t have and now failing to see what you have.

Be happy for her and see whether what she has achieved is something you can also achieve. Your life is full of great potential, but you will only find the happiness you are seeking when you stop comparing your life to your friend’s and start embracing your own.

If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, Whatsaap 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember all those who write to us remain anonymous.