Marriage isn’t about one person being the provider

Conversations with Brendah

Hi Brendah,

I am a middle-aged man (age 45), I married my high school sweetheart after university and we have been blessed with two wonderful children (10 and six years old). I was raised believing the man was the head of the house because he was the provider. This made a lot of sense when I was earning more than my wife, but over the past decade her career has eclipsed mine. Don’t get me wrong — I am very proud of my wife and have always supported her. How do I do that now that she is literally supporting us? I find myself “acting out”, staying out much later than I actually want — so I can upset her. I have also started insisting that she cooks for me — just to prove that she loves me. She is incredibly patient and has never made me feel inadequate, but I am starting to see the pity in her eyes when she hands me my weekly “allowance”. I can’t help myself... I feel less than a man in my own house (that she paid off). Is there a future for our relationship? Should I find someone younger, who will look at me as though I am their hero?

Finding someone younger...? Une mari yacho here? Dai wationawo, please!

Now I hear you when you say you are feeling less of a man in your house. It’s not easy to now find yourself in this situation.

But you need to question your patriarchal beliefs and reset your factory settings. Marriage isn’t about one person being the provider... it’s about two people forming a partnership that will sustain the family you have formed. And the beauty of being in a partnership is that when you are down, you have someone to stand in the gap for you. The fact that you know what you are doing and the ways in which you are acting out is a great first step. Just a thought: Maybe the pity you think you see in her eyes is just hurt and frustration at how you are behaving…? Chinja maitiro bhururu and be grateful urikutowana allowance. Hauna kuona two weeks ago panga pane munhu in a similar situation arikutonyimwa mari!

Challenge of the week: Instead of insisting your wife cooks, make dinner for the family this week. Thrice for your sins. Fadza mutengi wenyama!

Song of the week: Murombo - Leonard Dembo.

Drink of the week: Zvinenge zvangotengwawo naMissis

Dear Brendah

I have an issue that is really stressing me out. Mukomana wangu anowanza zvembanje and it’s starting to affect our relationship. I don’t mind one or two a week, but anoputa nearly three times a day. He has a steady job and all, but I just don’t think this habit is healthy. What can I do to sort this out?

The issue with marijuana is always a hot topic for debate. One school of thought hails it as a great medicinal drug while the other sees it as the gateway drug that eventually leads you

kurova bronco or guka makafela. Both have compelling arguments.

But in your boyfriend’s instance, it is important to find out why he uses it. Is it to treat anxiety, depression, sleeplessness or some other issue? If it is any of the above, then he needs to talk about it with a mental health specialist instead of self-medicating. When it comes to psychological issues, cannabis only deals with the symptoms and not the cause. Talking about it with someone will help him find better (and cheaper) coping mechanisms.

If he just does it for the high, then uri pa tight wangu cause that will be harder for him to give up because arikuspakwa hake.

Challenge of the week: Talk to your man about his need for weed. Knowing where he is coming from is a good start. Song of the week: Haa anything che dancehall...anaJah what what... ndokwamakutambira uku.

Drink of the week: Vodka - he can’t smell it on your breath so he can’t get into that too

Dear Brendah

I am getting very friendly with a guy, but he has two kids from a previous relationship. I really like him and would like us to get serious, but I am not sure I am ready to be a stepmom to his kids. I don’t have any kids of my own and feel a bit intimidated by the prospect of it all.

Being a step-parent is not something you go into blindly or lightly. It’s a commitment that requires you to be 150% invested. On top of that, it can be a pretty thankless job. One where you are judged by your contributions, but you are expected to be invisible for the most part. I say this not to put you off, but to make you aware that it’s not a walk in the park. You have to know where this can take you before you decide to get on this train.

My advice would be if you have any doubt at all, don’t do it! His kids (the only ones, who don’t have a say in this whole thing but will be impacted the most) deserve nothing less than full commitment and loyal hearts. Going into this and not giving them that is an act that is cruel in itself.

Challenge of the week: Write down the pros and cons of being a stepmom. By the end of this exercise, you will know where your heart lies.

Song of the week: Nu Shooz - Should I Say Yes.

Drink of the week: Whiskey - this needs you to be grown so knock back an adult drink.

Ndiyoyo! Toonana next week. Vane zvinovanetsa, send your issues to conversationswithbrendah@gmail.com

l Follow Brendah on: Instagram: @ blackladysyrah or Twitter: @BlackLadySyrah

The issue with marijuana is always a hot topic for debate. One school of thought hails it as a great medicinal drug while the other sees it as the gateway drug that eventually leads you kurova bronco or guka makafela. Both have compelling arguments.