Heart Theft

ALWAYS investigate the credentials of a person who purports to be an expert in a particular eld of endeavour. Thus, when The Fiddler claims that he/she is the world’s top expert in the eld of Valentine’s cards, you must obviously call upon him/her to substantiate his/her’s boastful assertion. The facts set out below should speak for themselves, but regrettably the facts have got laryngitis and are presently without voice so they are unable to act as the voice of the voiceless when the voiceless have most need of a voice.

Be that as is may and indeed it may be, on learning of The Fiddler’s incredible quali cations and eld experience, although the eld was extremely muddy, no one could possibly doubt his/ her expertise. (Hostile comment from the editor immediately ignored, “Your sentences are impenetrable. How many times have I told you to use short, clear sentence construction?” Short Retort from The Fiddler. “What the hell does he know?”

The Fiddler proudly holds a PhD from the Private University of the City of Mukumbura entitled “The Etymology and Epistemology of the Valentines’ Subliminal Coding with speci c reference to how the process can impact upon the psyche of the homo sapiens living within the Mukumbura locus.” (Lest there is any confusion over the term “homo sapiens”, it should be pointed out that The Fiddler is not gay although once a year he/ she may be a bit cheerful.)

Further, on 14th February 1956 he/she went on a date which lasted a full ve minutes and when The Fiddler asked the person whether he/she would like to go on another date, the response was unprintable.

For those who might be aspiring the heady heights of doctoral status, The Fiddler can assure you that the sum of bribe money required to obtain a doctorate from this prestigious university, without having to go to the tedious bother of writing the thesis yourself, is most reasonable. And there is even an express processing facility for chefs at no extra cost.

Before you start to dispatch your innumerable sentimental hearts and roses cards, you should be aware of a few important facts. The heart emblem in a Valentine card does not accurately depict the actual shape of a human heart. Secondly, amorous feelings do not originate in the heart but in the brain, although the heart will muscle in by increasing the unsuspecting person’s heart rate causing “ utters”, to use the correct technical medical term. Be careful, however, not to mix this up with a heart attack. This shows just how dangerous the heart can be.

Perhaps hearts should carry a heartfelt government health warning?

If someone heartlessly steals your heart, he/she is guilty of theft but the problem is that the heart’s owner won’t be able to lodge a criminal complaint because he/ she will be dead. It is also di cult to see how you can actually break a heart. After all, it’s not like a china plate that will break into pieces when dropped on the ground. On the other hand, a heart can be wounded which is very heart sore.

Having emphatically established his/her expertise, The Fiddler will now take you through a basic course on the correct etiquette for sending Valentine’s cards. (Advance courses are available in forex only whatever the UnReserved Bank might say.)

A Valentine’s card message will obviously vary, dependent upon whether your intention is to:

(a) cheer up a lonely person whom you know will otherwise receive no cards;

(b) taunt a person for whom you have no a ection;

(c) express your deep a ection for a person likely to reciprocate;

(d) desperately try to ingratiate yourself into the a ections of a person who is not likely in a million years to reciprocate;

(e) appease your spouse to prevent her/him from killing you for the time being.

Let me start by discouraging the sending of vindictive Valentine cards. It is neither politically correct nor nice for you deliberately to send a card addressed to Ms or Mr X and the next day send another message to that person saying, “Sorry, I sent the card to you by mistake as you are the last person for whom I would show amorous feelings. Please cross out your name and forward it to the correct recipient - Ms/Mr Y at the following address…”

Also nasty is to send a card to a person you dislike with the message:

“I am so short-sighted that I ended up sending a Valentine card to a skunk”

“Nobody would send you a Valentine card.”

“What on earth made you think I would ever be your Valentine?”

Valentine cards should not have these sorts of conditions attaching to them:

“Be my Valentine for as long as I can tolerate you.”

“Before I can agree to be your Valentine could you please send me an authenticated copy of your police record and a printout showing how much you have in the bank?”

“I hereby kindly request you to be my Valentine provided that you can satisfy all the attached reasonable conditions. This letter is sent without prejudice to myself.”

“I would have sent you a Valentine card if you had shown any signs of being a human being.”

Requesting a person to send a Valentine card to you is not acceptable, particularly if it reads like this:

“If you don’t send me a Valentine card, I probably will not be your Valentine.”

“Love is not a many splendid thing when I do not get a Valentine card from you.”

These ones are in bad taste (unless Covid has deprived you temporarily of your taste):

“Please don’t bother to send me a Valentine’s card – see attached divorce papers for you to sign.”

“If I receive a Valentine card from you I will immediately lodge a complaint with the police.”

(If your boyfriend is from another planet, before sending him a Valentine card it is best to nd out rst whether the people on his planet strongly condemn this primitive custom.)

And then there are these rather pathetic messages:

“Your Valentine card must have got lost in the post – please send replacement.”

“Like the dinosaur, I will become extinct unless you agree to be my Valentine.”

Occupational speci c Valentine’s cards:

From a butcher: “I have lots of hearts for you.”

From a toy shop owner: “Be my toy boy.”

From Zesa to customer: “Let me electrify you. No, sorry, there is yet another power cut.”

From farmer: “Do you need some fertilizer?”

From carpenter “I made a bed for us on Valentine day. Let’s use it.”

From Unreserved Bank; “We are sending you a worthless Valentine card.”

Contract for aspiring Valentiners:

The rst party (that’s me) do hereby o er the second party (that’s you) to be your Valentine. You can signify your acceptance of this once in a lifetime special o er by enthusiastically accepting this incredible bargain.

This o er remains open until 12 midnight on 14th February 2022.

For the avoidance of doubt, should you have the e rontery to reject this amazing o er, punitive damages will be sought.

And in these days of political correctness and gender sensitivity you need to be careful about using terms of endearment such as love, sweetie, babe, lovey, honey, doll, hun (the none German type) etc.

To sum up,

“It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it

It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it

That’s what gets results.”