Confused about abusive boyfriend

I am madly in love with a 25-year-old guy and I am 24. We have been going out for the past 18 months but he has not mentioned any plans to marry me. We are both working mabasa ane musoro.

My problem is this guy is so hot tempered. When he gets angry he beats me up nemaoko nezvibhakera and when he is in this mood it looks as if he is possessed. It is scary and I cannot really describe it.

He has done this so many times but on two occasions I thought he would kill me. I had to lie to my parents that I had a nasty fall because I needed to go to hospital.

The first time I had read his WhatsApp messages without his permission. He beat me as if he would never want to see me again. I came across some chats that I did not understand, these were between him and a certain prophet. I cannot divulge his name for obvious reasons.

They were talking about his condition being spiritual but I do not know what condition for sure, although, I have my suspicions.

The second time pandakarohwa zvakanyanya was when I went to his place and was told he had gone down the road to see his friend. I followed him and found him with three of his friends. He did not look angry, he just said let’s go home.

When we got there he locked the door and removed his belt. I was beaten until the land lady threatened to call the police. Musana wangu wese mavanga chete. He said he does not want to be followed so that was a life lesson.

After the intervention he opened the door and pushed me out.

I am confused because despite all this I love him. When he is happy he is generous and he tells me that he loves me.

I have never told my mother about this but she naturally does not like my boyfriend. Zvakaoma kani.

How can we continue without him physically abusing me? I thought following your partner was a sign of love but he thinks otherwise.

I spoke to tete about this and she said kurohwa hako uchidya zvinebasa rei? Mai Chisamba, do you think this will stop when we get married? This guy is the love of my life. RESPONSE I really do not know how to start because I am in shock. After reading your letter I just could not put a finger on what you want.

Forgive me, but at some point in your letter I thought you had some loose screws. I cannot believe you have been dating such a guy for oneand-a-half years.

For your information, a man who loves you will never raise a finger against you. Kurohwa? What for?

To say he beats you up is an understatement uyu ari kukubinya. He has no right to do that whatsoever, that is domestic violence at its worst. He must be brought to book.

Many people have been killed or maimed because of such behaviour. It is a criminal THANK you so much for The Sunday Mail platform. I am a married woman, blessed with two kids. We budget together with my husband, but there are skeletons in our closet.

We decided to keep some money for a project of ours so we had promised each other we would not tell anyone about this. We saved until we raised US$1 500.

I do not understand what got my husband excited and he told his brother about it. Maiguru, my sister-in-law, joined in and sweet talked my husband into taking our money ku banking club yekubasa kwavo. He was promised 15 percent interest every month and he gave in.

I tried very hard to discourage him but he would not listen. Maiguru, a civil servant assured him that the money was secure since they only gave loans to other members in their ministry.

Mai Chisamba, it is now two years and we have not recovered our money. Tinoita zvekuvabvunza; havana kana hunhu hwekutiudza what is going on.

This has put a big strain on the family, we no longer see eye to eye. We do not even visit each other as we used to.

What hurts most is maiguru’s I-don’tcare attitude. She just says the people I gave did not pay back – that is all.

I want my money; what should I do? We offence.

You say you went through his messages in his phone – that was wrong. Those are very bad manners but still it does not warrant that punishment.

Do you believe this guy when he says he loves you? I think you need to think about this seriously.

I do not understand what got him upset when you followed him to his friend’s house. You did nothing wrong in my view.

I urge you to stop protecting this guy. Tete’s advice is so petty. You cannot ignore beatings because you are given food or money.

This guy is dangerous. I do not see him stopping this because it is in his DNA. He needs proper rehabilitation and it may take time.

I may sound harsh but at this juncture I think you are better off alone than with this guy.

Have a mother and daughter talk, pour out, and tell the whole truth. I think she will help you. Tete should be out of this because her advice is not progressive. She just thinks of the stomach.

Your mother’s premonition was right about this guy.

Do not go anywhere near him. Send an email or a text that for now you would rather prefer space.

I do not want to dwell on his spirituality but are talking about a lot of hard-earned money here. We sacrificed so much for our children and ourselves. Takatamburirei?

There is a lot of tension within the family because of this issue. My husband is a bit chilled because these guys once looked after him. I do not know whether this was the motive behind kutsakatika kwemari iyi.

What measures can I take to recover this money? I am angry and confused. Please help. RESPONSE Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. I am happy that you budget together as a couple; so many out there are failing to do that.

The first problem was you were let down by someone you love and trust. You had agreed to save the money for a specific project and not to let anyone else know about it. He should have never told his brother about this because there was no need to.

I cannot put a finger on it but I am somehow convinced that your hubby was lured into this deal because of greed.

He once stayed with his brother and maiguru; maybe they knew this weaknesses and exploited it. The issue of a 15 percent interest rate each month swept him off his feet. He should have listened when you did not buy in to maiguru’s idea but he chose to bulldoze and do it his way. please imbotaramuka. Do not get used to his abusive lifestyle, move on. Pray sincerely for a better relationship in future. I wish you all the best. Please keep me posted.

Ndiye akakonzeresa dambudziko rose, that is why he is chilled he knows what he did. He tied himself up.

It is very sad that maiguru and hubby are taking this so lightly. They know they do not have a legal obligation in the absence of a signed agreement.

My advice is whenever you exchange money, agree on a payment plan and put it in writing. It would be even better if it is drawn up by a lawyer.

I know you are angry and confused but the odds are on your side. I doubt if this lending club is registered to do such activities; zvizhinji zvinongori zvechimbadzo and half the time people are at each other’s throats.

This issue really is tearing the family apart and it is just not good. I suggest you engage respectable family members, have an indaba and come up with a payment plan.

They should pay the money on behalf of maiguru’s partners who were supposedly involved in this. It is unfortunate you may not know these people.

You are family and taking each other to court or the police can permanently dent your relationship, which is now already strained.

Maiguru and hubby should lead by example; they are part of the family elders. Maiguru needs to work on her attitude too. Kuchengeta hama yako hachisi chikwereti.

Pray for the family and God will surely answer you. I would be happy to hear from you again. know what to do. Even when I want to have quality time with her she will be asleep. I am no longer enjoying quality time with my spouse as I should. I do not know what her problem is.

When I go to the shops with my workmates I buy bread and some drinks to take back home but at no point will she stand up and help me with the groceries. Is this still a marriage? I am tired of this. What can I do? My wife cannot discuss any financial issues with me especially concerning her pay like how much she is taking home after deductions, when is the next pay day and some suggestions on how to use the received money.

The responsibility of sending kids to school is solely mine. If at any point I ask her to assist the only answer I will get is I do not have the money.

If you keep pushing you will be told kuti ndakakanda mukando but surprisingly you will never be told that this month is my turn and this has been happening all along.

I have noted now with great disappointment that my wife is in debt with her bank, money lending institutions dzechimbadzo, software companies and the likes. I only came to know this after I accidentally came across her pay slip. closely aligned with Pluto’s transformative energies in an intense sector of your chart, the week’s start could encourage a decision. Even if it is not the right one, the fact that you have chosen can bring a sense of relief. But your friends may have something to say about your choice. You will need to be strong and positive enough to drown out their voices and stick to your guns. At the same time, the present lively social scene can be very uplifting.

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Can a married woman behave in this manner? I used to go to church with her and just the other day I received the shock of my life when it was time to give the gifts to the visiting pastor.

There was a list of congregants and what they contributed. We were called out Mr and Mrs So And So have pledged something, which was over US$150. All this was done behind my back.

Her mother or the in-laws will always call appreciating what she would have done for them like paying fees for her young brother. This is how at times I get to know of the contributions she makes back home.

I believe in dialogue and I have tried discussing these issues with her but there is no change. I engaged my relatives and her relatives but nothing changed. I also spoke to the pastor and the elders at church and even highlighted the issue of giving gifts behind my back but nothing has changed.

Since the pledge incident, I have not set foot in church. I am tired of this woman. I do not know why she continues to stay with me.

Would we not both be better off if she left to go enjoy her life? You are my last hope, please help. RESPONSE You seem very worked up. First things first, I understand the concerns you have about your wife. Naturally, most people conclude that she is either lazy or slow.

A person who sleeps during meals and does the same when having quality time with hubby in my view needs medical attention.

It is in the family’s best interest to have her checked. It is very rare for a normal mum to behave that way.

You say you do not discuss your finances with your wife, why? Couples are supposed to have a combined budget; what stopped this in your marriage? Where are you losing it?

People should take pride in the upbringing of their children, this includes paying for fees and their general welfare. Your wife is obliged to be part of this. I do not understand what type of a teacher she is.

Fees are essential; after all that is how she earns her living and she does not prioritise this.

Your wife sounds like a stubborn partner, she enjoys controversy. She pays fees for her brother privately, joins mukando for personal benefits, she is in debt with her bank and involved in chimbadzo. Ndizvo zvinomukotsirisa achidya izvozvo, she is heavily burdened.

She makes contributions to the church without consulting her husband, this is wrong. As a person with a teaching background I feel sorry for the children she teaches because she lacks concentration.

If she does not service her debts the law will take its course.

What is she doing with all the money if she cannot do a thing in her own home?

I do not want to blame her family but the truth is mhuri yakanaka haitambire chinouya nerweseri from a married daughter/son.

Stick to the fight before you throw in the towel. I urge you to rope in a professional counsellor who will work with both of you.

She needs to be reminded about what marriage is all about.

You have been together for 15 years and you have invested so much time in this marriage.

The two of you should always make an effort to communicate positively.

Last but not least, please do not give up the church because of your wife. Kunamata idungamunhu, it is a personal affair. Remember to pray for your family and to keep me posted. Write to maichisamba@fbnet.co.zw or WhatsApp +263771415747. through you and out. By doing this daily, you could be free of them for good.

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