Auntie is being a nuisance

Iam a woman whose parents separated in 1991 when I was seven years old. After their separation, my father changed the ownership of our house and put it under auntie’s name.

This was a house he had acquired during his working years at a railway company.

He is now based in South Africa and has since re-married. I am looking for accommodation and my father said I could stay at the house free of charge. On the other hand, auntie has been receiving rentals. She is not ready to relinquish those privileges. She insists that l should pay rent if I wish to stay at that house. Please help me get back into my childhood home, my father’s house.

Response

Your issue is disheartening. It hurts when family does you wrong. In trying to make sure that your mother could never lay a claim to the house, your father probably thought he was being smart by giving the house to his sister. Now his sister is being hard-headed. She has every right to be because it is legally her house now. To avoid this sort of mess, I encourage people to write wills or to put assets in their children and loved one’s names. You may have to ask your father to explore his legal options, if he has any, so that auntie let’s go of this property. However, this route must only be taken once family dialogue has been exhausted. Property and assets have divided many families, I encourage people to get their houses in order to avoid confusion in case of death or divorce. The fact that your father is out of the country may also be giving auntie the guts to boss her way around the matter. I think a visit from her brother is overdue. I wish you all the best.

I don’t like lying about my age

I am going through a phase which is making me question a lot of things in my relationship. I am a 34-year-old woman with a 14-year-old child. I was previously married. My fiancé says he is also 34 years old. Just like me, he also got out of a marriage. We care about each other deeply and we have to marry. We are now at a stage where we are introducing each other to our respective families. He insists that when I go kumusha with him I must say that I am 29. This makes me wonder if he is lying about my age to his relatives. Is he ashamed of my age? I am also beginning to assume that he is younger than me. It is really uncomfortable lying about my age. If I start now it’ll never stop. How do I come out on top of this situation and still retain my relationship? I had been searching for a serious partner for 12 years, so I know just how difficult it is to bag a good man.

Response

You are going through the motions for sure. I think your moral compass is pointing north, which is a good thing. There is a statement which says the truth will set you free. I quite like it because the burden of living a lie is an uncomfortable one. Your issue can be resolved by a heart-to-heart. The important bit is that you love each other. Tell him that you are not ashamed of your age and he must not be either. Ask him to tell you his real age if you suspect he lied about it. Age gaps vary from culture to culture but I have also stated that age is just a number. If you are happy the rest will fall into place. Bear in mind that the way you place value on something like age is the same way your relatives will treat it. Go about your business boldly and get married. I assure you anyone with a problem about this will eventually run out of steam. Focus on the important aspects and do not let something of little consequence steal your peace. Good luck.

Children blame me for divorce

I am writing to you today because I have been going through a trying time. I am a mother to three adult children, who are all married. I have two boys and one daughter. The children resent me and disowned me way back when their father and I got divorced. Their father was very promiscuous. As I tried to cope with the stress of the relationship, I turned to alcohol. I don’t know why I am blamed for this and labelled the bad guy. I miss my family and would like to reconnect with my kids. Is there any advice on the best course of action to take?

Response

Divorce is a nasty business and there is always collateral damage. Since we’re dealing with three resentful adults, this won’t be a walk in the park. Group counselling is the first bit of advice I have. You need to talk it out as a family. I am getting a sense that you left out a lot of important information. When was the divorce and how old were they? Who took custody of the kids and were you in their lives as much as possible? It’s hard to be labelled as the bad guy in all of this. Surely, by now they must know how your ex-husband also contributed to the split. You turned to alcohol, from research I know that alcoholism affects you and everyone around you. I hope it did not lead to you abusing the kids. If you want to mend ties, look at the role you played in this divorce and try and analyse how it made your children feel. The best apologies come from being honest and admitting what you did wrong. If their father is still around, it would help if he could play a role in uniting you with your kids. Life is short, I hope you make amends while you still can. It is important to learn to forgive each other.

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