How can I become a better lover?
Trying to start a new life
HELLO amai. I am a 62-year-old man. I was married for the greater part of my life before my wife passed on. I am in a new relationship and I have plans to wed soon. I am still in the process of trying to get funds for lobola.
I am losing sleep over something though. Is it okay to bring her into my home and stay with her in the same house I used to stay with my first wife? Is that the best way to start a new life? Zvinhu zvakagoverwa zvizhinji zvikasirwa ini nevana. The kids are all grown and have their own possessions, so they left me with them. I acquired most of them in partnership with their mother. Please assist.
Response
Hello dear writer. I want to applaud you for continuing to live your life even after your first wife passed on. It seems to me like you are a bit uneasy to continue living in this house as if nothing happened. The possessions were left with you and the kids because they wanted you to use them even after your wife passed on. I think it is okay to use them with your new fiancé once you get married. You can ask the kids for their blessing, but I think the fact of the matter is that everyone has accepted that life goes on and would not be too caught up trying to tell you how to live your new life with another woman. Speak up, it shall be well.
Teenager is out of control
I am facing the serious strain of trying to raise my late brother’s daughter. She is 14 and doing Form 1. I took over after her father died, and I am doing the best I can. She does not like staying at home and she spends most of her time roaming the streets, often coming in at odd hours of the night.
I thought perhaps this was her way of dealing with her father’s death. I even took her for counselling but things have not changed. My family suggests that I pawn her off to other relatives. How best do you think I must tackle this, Mai Chisamba?
Response
I admire you for stepping up and trying to take care of your niece, especially after the untimely loss of one of her parents. Do you want to let her go because of finances or because of her behaviour? It is a tall task to raise a child; in fact, it takes a village.
I would recommend trying to get more relatives involved in her upbringing instead of doing away with her. She is in her formative years and she needs to be moulded. Counselling is good but I would also recommend sending her to a good boarding school where she can focus on her studies, as well as gain a bit of independence. If the roles were reversed, you would want your brother to look after your children as well after you had passed on.
Do not give up. It is a transitional period. Help her mourn her father and try and make her a better person. You also need to become a disciplinarian. Do not take it easy on her because of her circumstances.
Every household has rules and she must abide by them. How did you raise your own children and keep them in check? Can those same techniques be applied here? Blood is thicker than water and we must never easily turn our backs away from family. Lastly, where is her mother in all of this? I would assume she would be the child’s legal guardian. Please give me updates on how it goes.
How can I become a better lover?
I am a 34-year-old man and I am a bad lover. I ill-treat my girlfriends and I sometimes get physical. I am very jealous and short-tempered.
I have failed to sustain long-lasting relationships. My question then is: how can I be helped? I do not know if I am possessed by some evil spirits or midzimu.
I want to be a better person and a good lover. I am now beginning to see the magnitude of this problem.
Response
Hello writer and thanks for writing in. For starters, I am shocked that no one has reported you to the law enforcement agents as yet. It is a criminal offence to abuse someone regardless of your gender.
You are failing to sustain long relationships because of your character. Do not look for a scapegoat. You say you are jealous and short-tempered. These are not desirable traits.
The first thing about being a good lover is to try and imagine if anyone would find yourself attractive because of the qualities you possess. If the answer is no, then there is need for a character adjustment.
You need to fix these issues. Try and get in touch with a relationship coach. You do not have to look for a prize if you make yourself the prize. The women will come to you. Ask for forgiveness from the women you wronged and try and make this a turning point in your life. Only then will you have a shot at lasting relationships.