Living through a silent pandemic
WHILE Gender-Based Violence (GBV) disproportionately affects women and girls, there are conceivably thousands of men who suffer in silence from the bane of violence at the hands of the fairer sex.
Only few men are, however, willing to report the abuse and possibly seek help, making GBV against men somewhat a silent pandemic.
For months leading up to the eventual breakdown of his marriage, Reverend Michael Girivara (53), leader of Ebenezer Blessing International Church in Epworth, lived through a life of torturous abuse at the hands of his wife.
As their 10-year marriage began unravelling following a series of unfortunate events, including an incident where Rev Girivara was poisoned before losing his job, he went through the traumatic experience of emotional, financial and psychological abuse dished out generously by his better half.
His wife eventually left him for his best friend, a fellow man of cloth, after a bitter nine months of marital distress.
Born and bred in Gweru, Rev Girivara said he received his “calling” to serve God in 1998.
“I became a man of God in 1998 in the Apostolic Faith Mission in Zimbabwe (AFM). I then got married in 2001 and worked in Mashonaland West Province up to 2011,” he told The Sunday Mail last week.
He said he was later promoted to senior priest, a development that was not well received by some within the church.
“I was then poisoned and became so ill that elders of the church decided to relieve me of my duties.”
His health started deteriorating until his wife, who had vowed to stay with him for better or worse, left him, claiming that life with him had become unbearable.
“I then took another wife who took care of me because I was critically ill.
“She loved me and did everything until l had recovered.
“We stayed together and we were blessed with a son.
“That is why I am deeply saddened by her recent actions, considering the journey we have travelled together.”
Because he was out of work, Rev Girivara had to look for other ways to provide for his family.
He started recording music and selling it in central Harare.
“Life was so easy as we could pocket US$70 to 80 per day,” he recalled.
“However, the problem started when we were thrown out of the CBD by the Harare City Council and it immediately became difficult for me to provide for my family.”
He moved his family to Epworth, where he met and became friends with a fellow pastor (name supplied), who was to later betray him with his beloved wife.
“My friend was also a former pastor in AFM before he left to start his own ministry.
“We became so close because we shared the same AFM background.
“Most people thought we were related,” he explained.
“We were so close to the extent that I considered him my brother and never knew that one day he could back stab and take off with my wife.”
Before his misfortune, Rev Girivara had started selling masks at the beginning of the year.
“Things were not well financially, but by the grace of God we were surviving. “I then decided to start up a small business for my wife of supplying face masks in Epworth.
“I didn’t know I had given her more time to meet her secret lover in the name of delivering masks to customers.”
He said it was around that time he began to notice that his wife’s behaviour was changing.
All of a sudden, she had become abusive. At times she would physically confront him.
Often times, he said, she would take all the proceeds from their small business and surrender it to his pastor friend, leaving their family with nothing to live on.
Rev Girivara began to suspect that his wife was having an affair with his friend.
On several occasions, he said, he walked in on them being intimate on their matrimonial bed.
“I asked my wife several times about her sudden chumminess with my friend, and she said she felt more comfortable airing out her problems to him because he was a good listener.
“The painful part is how they both fooled me, playing all sorts of tricks on me after I had caught them on different occasions together,” he said with his hands trembling with apparent regret.
“She then began denying me conjugal rights.
“She had become so rude and there was no longer any congenial respect between husband and wife.
“As we all know that most women are accused of infidelity because of financial instability, but in this case it was different as my wife would take my money and give it to her lover,” he said.
Sometime in September, his wife eventually walked away from the union and settled with Rev Girivara’s best friend as his second wife.
Seeking help
At some point, added the reverend, he even contemplated taking his and his wife’s life.
Reflecting on his experience, he said it was important for men to speak out when they go through abuse.
“Most people think it’s taboo for a man to experience GBV,” he said.
“But this is happening here in Zimbabwe, however, in most cases, it is not reported out of fear of being stigmatised.
“Most men are facing the same problem one way or the other. It might be physical, financial or emotional violence, it is important to seek help.”
Rev Girivara sought help from Padare/Enkundleni/Men’s Forum on Gender, a local civic organisation that deals with gender equality issues.
“I appreciate the help I got from Padare. They offered me counselling sessions and this helped so much to cool my temper because I was at the verge of committing murder,” he said.