Mother-in-law up to no good

DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am happily married and I get on so well with my husband. We have been together for 10 years and were blessed with two sons aged eight and five.

We are both gainfully employed and run a small business on the side. We are quite comfortable. My mother-in-law’s interference concerning a daughter my husband sired before we got married is getting to me.

We had previously agreed that Tete, my husband’s sister, was to be the link between the two families so my husband would minimise his involvement with the child’s mother.

When she comes for holidays, we give Tete the resources and she goes to pick her up and takes her back all the time. The mother of this child respects the arrangement we have in place.

Last weekend, out of the blue, my motherin-law went to stay at this woman’s apartment for two days. Her reason was that she had gone to see the child. Amai, this broke my heart. What kind of betrayal is this?

How can I ever trust her again? She is double-faced. I heard from the grapevine that she is the very reason why my husband did not marry his ex. My husband is equally upset and we want to confront her together with Tete about this. However, we do not know how to do this without getting emotional. Please help.

Response

Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I am happy with the arrangement you have in place, especially since it accommodates your husband’s daughter from a previous relationship. He needs to play a leading role in his daughter’s life. Disregard everything you have heard from the grapevine and work with what is on the table.

Your mother-in-law has the freedom to associate with whomever she pleases, but going to visit the child without giving prior notice and then sleeping over for two days seems fishy. You need to have a sit-down with her. You may even try to rope in Baba, her husband, if he is in the picture.

Ask her why she did that and the implications. Your husband and Tete also need to voice their reservations over the issue in order to nip it in the bud. Try not to be too accusatory as she really may have been stranded and decided to spend more time there. I am glad you have all decided to get to the bottom of it as a family. Sweeping issues under the rug often creates more turmoil.

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Our family is not close-knit

I am the eldest child and son in a family of four. I have a brother and two sisters. Our parents are both still alive and they did the best they could in terms of educating us. The four of us are all married and staying in our separate homes.

What hurts me the most is as siblings we do not look out for each other. We rarely meet or visit each other although we all stay in the same city.

We usually meet during fortunate and unfortunate times but even then, our communication is just casual. We do better with cousins and other members of the extended family and this worries me a lot. I know this is not good for us or our children. We need a breakthrough. How do we do this amicably? I am prepared to go to any length for the good of my family.

Response

Your family is not in a worrisome state but it is not in the best of condition either. I commend you for taking the first step in trying to bring the family closer.

Are there any other factors causing the rift? At times, varying levels of success and other petty issues affect a family’s closeness. You can start with simple things like taking it upon yourself to create a WhatsApp group where immediate family members can communicate with each other. You may also invite people to your place as often as you can to share a meal and enjoy each other’s company.

Make your intentions known to the family. I think as the eldest, once everyone sees how much effort you are putting towards the initiative, things will fall into place. Well done and I wish you the best of luck.

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I got caught red-handed

I have been a bad spouse. I cheated on my wife and she discovered it, but she has not said a word. The fact that she is behaving normally is killing me. A fortnight ago, I lied that I was going on a business trip and yet I was going to a resort with my side chick.

We were gone for three days, but when we came back, this woman forgot her travelling bag in the boot of my car.

As fate would have it, my wife’s car broke down and she asked to use mine briefly. She saw the bag and brought it inside the house. I almost passed out when I saw her bringing it in. She went and packed the clothes in her wardrobe and put the toiletries neatly on the dressing table and brought the hotel receipt bills to me.

I have been numb like a zombie ever since. The bag was shelved on my shoe rack on my side of the bed. It has been two solid weeks and she looks unmoved. I love my wife; I do not know what to do. Please Amai, how do I break the ice? I have no excuse, she got me this time, ndabatwa hangu. Please help.

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Response

You handed your spouse the smoking gun. I do not know whether it was fate, dumb luck or your lady friend who set you up. You are right, silence is never a good thing, especially after one unearths something as big as adultery. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed? How would you feel or how would you react? Start by apologising. Please, be sincere. I am unsure if you are reacting this way because you genuinely care or if it is because you were caught.

The second thing would be to rope in tete and tell her what transpired so she can try to get her to open up and talk about what transpired.

I hope tete is discrete and good at resolving issues quickly. If so, that may work in your favour. Break all contact with your side chick and explain how your getaway has made you realise how wrong it is to step out of your marriage. I would also recommend trying to go for relationship counselling with your wife so the two of you can learn to trust each other again as a couple.

All these suggestions rest on her willingness to forgive you. Do not rush it, for it may turn out to be a lengthy process. She may also have requirements of her own such as making you take STI tests and making sure you are accountable for your whereabouts going forward in the relationship.

Be sincere and try to fight for your marriage. The fact that she has not left yet may be indicative of the fact that she is in it for the long haul. I wish you all the best.

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