Hubby has a fixed alcohol budget
AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a middle-aged woman blessed with three kids. I am a teacher by profession and so is my husband.
I cannot complain much about my marriage. I am a renowned cake maker in our community and I use the extra funds for our family upkeep. My husband takes a number of pupils for extra lessons during weekends and holidays, and he makes good money out of it.
The problem is he does not want to share this extra money. He claims that it is his pocket money for beers and gochi gochi with other men.
He says it is unbecoming for a man to ask for leisure money from a spouse. This is very upsetting because I use all my revenue for the family.
We also live with one of his young brothers who goes to college at our expense. I have tried to make him understand but he remains adamant. I now feel I should just worry about my kids so he can attend to his brother’s needs.
How can one have a spouse who has a standing booze budget? Please help. I do not want this to come between us.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. Your husband is missing the point. One of the common promises of wedding vows is to remain together through prosperity or adversity.
There should be no disconnect between the two of you when it comes to finances, especially when things are looking up.
If he refuses to have a combined budget, then I think you need to go for a couple’s counselling. He can have a recreation allowance but it needs to be allocated from the family fund.
Prioritising alcohol at the expense of his brother and the children you look after is not the way. There is more to life like having health insurance, funeral cover and general savings. His behaviour seems ignorant to me, I think once he is enlightened you will see a change.
The moment the two of you start dividing your finances, it seizes to be a marriage but a one-man for himself affair. Please diligently guard against this. Try to also rope in someone he respects to shed financial insight and knowledge. I wish you all the best.
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I feel neglected in my marriage
I am a 35-year-old woman in a polygamous marriage. I am the second wife and a mother of one. My husband and his first wife are 50 and 48 years respectively all their three children are grown up and they have been together for a long time.
We stay at the same homestead but have different houses. The arrangement is baba comes to my house for a week and then goes to maiguru’s for a fortnight since she is the senior wife (vahosi).
When he is at my house, maiguru still brings him his meals because he says my cooking is terrible. I have never complained to him but this breaks my heart. Even when it is my turn, he is hardly at my house. He always goes back to maiguru’s place to relax and to do projects with her.
When visitors come, he ushers them to the big house. I feel so left out and unwanted. My parents blame me for falling for a married man and they are encouraging me to go back home.
I love my husband but there is no reciprocation although he provides well. Generally, I use public transport and yet he has a car. It seems it is only used when vahosi needs it. Please help, I am confused. What should I do?
Response
I am sorry that you feel this way. At the same time, there is not much I can advise. You willingly chose to get into a polygamous union with a man who has three adult children and a wife he has lived with for years.
Even with a schedule in place, sharing a human is different from sharing a teddy bear. The fact that there are separate houses and he goes back and forth is complicated.
I think if you feel neglected and your parents are telling you to opt-out then maybe you should do so. You seem to be third-wheeling in this relationship.
For other willing candidates, polygamous unions work. I think you do not belong to this group. They say go where you are celebrated and not tolerated. You have your life ahead of you, make choices that make you happy. Do not cower in misery day by day. I hope you did not get into such a scenario because of chasing material wealth. I often advise people to follow their hearts and nothing else.
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Wife risking family’s health with
prophets
I am a young man aged 26 married to a 24-year-old woman and blessed with a toddler son. My company provides medical aid cover for my family. My spouse and son are beneficiaries.
What hurts the most is my wife has so much faith in her church prophet. I have been trying hard to convince her that professional healthcare is the way to go. However, her argument is why do people still die in hospitals if it is the way to go? I do not like it when she takes my sick son to the prophet.
I do not believe in that at all. This is tearing us apart. The situation has been made worse by the fact that we go to two different churches.
Our beliefs are miles apart. Every month, medical aid deductions are made on my salary. Amai, I already feel that we have not started well. Please help before we fall apart.
Response
Compatibility is a big part of marriage. Had you two discussed your religious beliefs before tying the knot? Going to two different churches gives me the impression that the house is really divided. While others believe in faith-based healing and others in science it is important to make sure your son gets access to medical attention.
At least until he turns 18 and he can make a choice for himself. Children are vulnerable and susceptible to a lot of infections as their immune systems are still developing.
Personally, I think you can be religious and still get medical attention. The two aspects do not contradict.
You need to go for relationship counselling. Please tell your wife to listen to you more as her partner instead of this prophet. He seems to make binding decisions on behalf of you in your own family.
Can you also try to rope her tete into this so she can come up with an amicable solution? Until both of you learn to compromise and do what is best for your son and the relationship, you will forever be at opposite goal posts. I wish you all the best.
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