Wife hardly comes home

AMAI, how are you? I am a 36-year-old guy married to a 34-year-old lady and we are blessed with a set of twin daughters. The house that we are renting as a couple is a few blocks away from my in-laws. This is straining our marriage.

I am gainfully employed and my wife sells cosmetics. She uses one of the bedrooms as a boutique. We have a maid and a gardener and it seems my in-laws access these guys whenever they want for free. I know it is double work for them and I have told my wife about this and she is not bothered at all.

The most painful part is that my wife spends more than half of her time at her parent’s house.

She indirectly stays there and it breaks my heart. She is like someone who owns two homes. We have no quality time and my kids are always there too. I used to follow so that I could just spend time with my kids, but now I am fed up with everything. The situation has become so toxic. Please help, how do I resolve this?

Response

Hello and thanks for writing in. I am sorry that the situation has gotten so out of control. If truth be told, you have been very understanding and now it is time to lay down the law. Inform your wife of how this is affecting you and your employees.

Ask her to strike a balance between visiting in-laws and spending quality time with you and the kids at home. You may also consider moving to a location that is a healthy distance away from the in-laws. A healthy bit of space is never a bad thing. I do not think your spouse does this intentionally. It is up to you to make her see things from your perspective.

I do not think it is necessary to rope in another party yet. Assess her reaction when you inform her of the toll this is taking on your own family dynamics. Her mindset as well as desire to change the current course of action will guide your next steps. I wish you all the best.

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Hubby is out of order

I am a married woman aged 40 and my husband is 42. We are parents to two beautiful teenage children. We get on well as a couple although we differ here and there. I suppose it is a normal dynamic. My mother passed on a few months ago and my father did not take this loss well. The way he was grieving made him unwell.

My husband suggested that since I am the eldest sibling in my family it would be a good idea to take him in and continue to console him. He is gradually improving. My husband is giving him a lot of work to do despite the fact that we have two workers that help at our plot and Baba is old.

We have a number of projects running. What is making me angry is he is now taking my father as one of his workers, giving him chores with deadlines and addressing him with a high-pitched voice. My dad is a very quiet person; mum was like his mouthpiece; she was always quick to answer or argue.

I cannot take what is being done anymore Amai. I voiced my concerns and my husband said it was good for Baba. He needs to be busy so that he is not always grieving. I am confused. I am thinking of either taking my father back to his home or taking him to my younger brother’s house without even consulting my hubby. Amai, please help?

Response

Hello writer. Your letter is very disturbing. Your husband’s motives are questionable at best. I think he disguised his own agenda as kindness. Get your father out of this situation immediately.

Inform your brothers of what is transpiring and if they cannot accommodate him you can send him back to his home and make sure he has a helper. Your husband has shown great disrespect towards him. There is a big difference between taking care of family and exploiting family. Surely, this is no way to treat the father of your wife.

Please take action immediately and get back to me. If you are worried about your father’s recovery from the untimely death of your mother, there are other ways to implement grief therapy and counselling which are widely available. Hard labour is not one of them.

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Mother embarrassing the family

I am a single woman aged 28. I reside with my parents and I do the best I can to help because they are both retired. My elder siblings take turns to help and pay the two domestic workers. In short, I can gladly say we have a comfortable life. The problem is we do not know how to satisfy our mother because of her greedy tendencies.

She always wants more. She begs neighbours and visitors for things. She asked for $20 from my boyfriend when he came to pick me up, can you imagine? He gave her the amount she asked for. How do we stop such a very bad habit Amai? People do not know that she does this out of greed and not out of need.

Response

Old habits die-hard. It is immensely difficult to attempt to reform someone advanced in age such as your mother. However, the situation is not hopeless. Your father also needs to help in this character adjustment process.

Try to persuade everyone to attend a family meeting to address the issue and mention how it is embarrassing for her to beg within the community. Try to hear what makes her do the things she does and how best she can be assisted. Stay firm and resolute, she may try to justify her actions. Try to get her close friend to chime in when you stage this intervention. I wish you all the best. ◆ Feedback: maichisamba@fb.net;

0771415474.