Hubby wants me to enroll in college

AMAI, how are you getting on? I married my husband 10 years ago and we have been blessed with two sons. I am 36 and he is 37. We started dating when we were both in high school. We were so in love. We got married after my husband finished his first degree. I did not do that well in high school so I just became a full time housewife. I enjoyed my role and for the most part he cheered me on and showed respect. Last year things seemed to take a new twist. There was a black tie event at his workplace and spouses were invited.

The first thing I noticed was that he did not feel comfortable sitting next to me. After this, it was one thing after the other. He now claims I am not on his level. He has attained his masters’ degree and he feels so important. He has given me an ultimatum to do a degree in the next five years or else he will walk out on me. Amai, is it normal to be given such a condition in marriage? I am not an academic person. I struggled with school, what will become of me and my children if I do not make it? Why is this being imposed on me after a decade? Please help. I am so confused.

Response

Hello and thanks for writing in. Your letter is quite sad. Continuous development is a good thing especially when your partner spurs you on. Unfortunately, the condition has deteriorated to the extent that you are now being forced to meet certain academic targets or you will be sent away. To begin with, I think his level of success is changing him. If you have made it work all these years, what has changed now? I think you must rope in a relative he will listen to and a counsellor so that they help set things straight. Marriage is about being supportive of your spouse regardless of factors such as their level of education. He is behaving like a learned fool.

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I want to get married

I am a prosperous executive and I am advanced in age. I am very comfortable and I drive a top of the range car. I have a good job and a four bedroomed house to my name in the leafy suburbs. I would be open to marriage with a man I love. To be honest with you, I really do not know what to look for in a man. I have dated several(men), but they have all fallen short of my expectations. It is unfortunate they cannot be custom made and that becomes a major problem. As much as I respect the idea of marriage, I want my elbow space and freedom to do what makes me happy as a person. I have a few friends who are married. No one tells me that they are a hundred percent happy. My million-dollar question is why is this so? This is so disappointing and scary at the same time. Is it true that most men have the same ego and characteristics? I want a man who can give me a good life without eyeing what I have worked for single handedly. I really do not want to be compromised. Amai, please help.

Response

You seem to be too calculating. If you are looking for true love, you need to let your guard down and stop making assumptions or assuming it will all end like your previous relationships. You cannot create your own soulmate nor will you ever find anyone with all the qualities you crave. It is an illusive unicorn hunt. I commend you for your hard work and where you are now in life. It sounds to me like you need someone on that same level otherwise it will not work. What are your circles like? Do they foster chances of you meeting an eligible bachelor? In spite of your own search preferences, what aspects are you willing to compromise on or be better at so that others may find you as an attractive prospect? If you want love and marriage, you must be open to finding it. Keep searching, if you consider all I have said I am confident you will find that special somebody. I wish you well.

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Hubby lacks spine

Dear Amai, how are you? I am a married mother of three and I have been married for 15 years. My husband is a good spouse and a great father to his kids. He is very generous. Unfortunately, his family takes this for weakness.

All his family members stay in the same city with us and this is a headache. We have a seven seater among our cars. Amai, it is now like a family ambulance or taxi.

Whoever wants to travel will ask either for the car or my husband’s services. My husband is expected to fuel the car all the time but when it is brought back its usually empty. He tells me he is not happy about this but he does not tell them to their face.

Amai, is it proper for me as his wife to put my foot down and tell these guys that it is not the way things are done? They are gradually eating into our budget because a car is expensive to maintain. Why can’t they use public transport, which is readily available? I just cannot take this anymore. How do I stop this?

Response

I am well and thanks for asking. It seems you are at a crossroads. The truth will always set you free. I think your husband needs to muster his courage and inform his people of the current state of affairs. They sound like they are the type that take advantage of his good nature.

The moment he proposes contributions by all users towards maintenance and fuel you will see them all retreat to their corners. The hard thing is often the right thing to do. You can even propose to him that you can break the news together. Your united front may give him the extra bit of courage he needs. Pay no attention to the blow back. People often have a lot to say when they are no longer allowed to take advantage of someone or something.

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