The writing is on the wall

DEAR Amai, I hope you are well. I am 27 and a mother of a four-year-old boy. My husband left for greener pastures in South Africa a few weeks before our child was born. He has never seen the child or even come back for me.

He says if he comes, his boss will replace him. He left me with his parents at his rural home. He occasionally sends a few dollars, but he is not consistent.

We are struggling, but I am hoping that one day he will come back home and we will be one big happy family. Last week, his friend came looking for him and we told him that he was out of the country. I was shocked when he told us that he was in Harare for the past fortnight and that he had borrowed some money from him.

He also promised to repay the debt at the rural homestead where we reside. Amai, my heart is broken. How can this be? He lies about missing me and the kid, whom he has never set his eyes on.

Does he love me at all? I verified that he was indeed in Zimbabwe and met several people. I am told he went back to South Africa, but was on a borrowing spree in Zimbabwe.

His parents are equally hurt. Would I be wrong if I called off the relationship?

Response

I am very well and thank you for writing in. Four years is a long time to patiently sit and wait for someone. I think this guy is a wanderer and nothing will come off his empty promises. He conned people in Harare and may be doing the same in South Africa. It is a hopeless case. It is akin to chasing the wind.

What options do you have? How can you better your situation or try to generate income and resources to sustain you and your child? You did not speak of this guy paying bride price for you. I assume you are not married. I would advise you to move on. What worries me is that it is not only your fate that hangs in the balance, but that of a minor and his grandparents.

Where are your own people and are they willing to assist you in your time of need? Have you also considered projects to do at the homestead to generate revenue, for example, poultry farming? The truth is you need to grab the bull by its horns and try to get yourself out of this bad situation. As for the father of the child, make him aware that you know that he was in the country and you are equally disappointed that he did not visit you and the child. Also, make it clear that you have reached the end of the road with him. I wish you all the best.

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I was turned away

from family gathering

I am a married man and father of two teenage boys. I have three sisters and three brothers who are all married. I am the youngest in this big family. We all stay in the same city but reside in different locations. One of my brothers called for a family meeting at his home, where we had lunch and plenty of drinks.

We all thought this would be a good idea if we did it regularly for the sake of bonding. Many suggestions were brought up, and the bring-and-share concept was the most popular and was adopted.

Attendance is based on the condition that one has to bring food. At the second function, everyone, except my family and I, brought their share.

Shockingly, I was sent away for not abiding by the rules. Has food become more important than family? I now feel like a black sheep because I do not attend these monthly gatherings. Amai, should I back down or keep my pride?

Response

I will be very honest with you. You are huffing and puffing over nothing. You agreed to this arrangement and were not in opposition when the decision was made. If you had spoken up, I would have at least assumed it was the tyranny of the majority, as you constituted a small fraction that tried to steer away from the bring-and-share model. The bring-and-share concept is not about flamboyant meals but basically preparing food within your price range to enjoy with others. You were wrong in violating this principle.

Turning you away seems excessive but it shows how others took your actions to heart.

If you have challenges with this arrangement, tell your siblings where the problem lies and try to work within your comfortable limits. Do not be proud and avoid ruining a good arrangement. Work towards the common family goal and play your part. It takes a big person to admit they were wrong and rectify their mistakes.

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I enjoy your Sunday Mail column very much. I am a 26-year-old man and father of a six-month-old daughter. I am a newly-wed. I think my motherin-law interferes too much in our lives.

My wife and I are both gainfully employed, and for that reason, we decided to get two helpers, one for the garden and the other for the house. My mother-in-law went to her rural home and brought very close family members to work as domestic workers. She did not consult us and I do not like the idea of employing relatives because it often backfires.

She is also dictating to us how much we should pay these guys and when they can have their days off. She spends most of her time at our place, claiming to be training the workers, and I do not like this at all.

At times, we have to pass through her place because she takes the baby with her whenever she feels like. Is this not a red flag? I do not want to end up like my father-in-law, who is henpecked and is only a shadow of himself. Amai, how do I stop this nonsense?

Response

Thank you for supporting this platform. My hope is that it continues to add value to everyone who follows it closely. Simply put, you need to speak up. They say mwana asingachemi anofira mumbereko.

Tell your wife how you feel about this and proceed to lay down the law. Send your relatives back to the rural area they came from and employ workers who have no shared family lineage. You need to take ownership of your home. Inform amai of why you will have made that move.

Do not let her dictate how much you must pay your employees or when you must deliver your baby to her. I think your wife and father-in-law are scared to speak up. Encourage them to speak out. What you do or do not do now sets the tone for the rest of your life. You can also draw in tete and some more of her senior relatives.

Do it as respectfully and authoritatively as possible. Blowback is normal. Expect it and allow it to run its course. Stand for what is right. It shall be well.

Mother-in-law is the third party in my

marriage