I lied about my father’s girlfriend

DEAR Amai, how are you? I am a 16-year-old girl and I come from an unhappy home. There are four of us in our family. My mother and father fight a lot because dad has a girlfriend.

When they fight, I comfort my mother by telling her lies. I recently told her that my father’s girlfriend was struggling financially and she had resorted to vending nearby. My father now despises me because he knows I am the source of this gossip. How can I help my family to heal?

Response

Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. You are too young to be involved in such gossip. It is a very bad habit, even if you think you are doing it for the right reasons.

Your father must also be reprimanded for his behaviour. He is openly breaking his vows and risks contracting and spreading sexually transmitted diseases by having another partner.

I think the only way to help your parents is to get an adult you trust involved.

It could be a relative or even someone from church. The first step is for them to communicate about these issues openly without resorting to arguing.

This can lead to going for professional counselling.

There are many issues at play here that need to be unravelled. You must also apologise to your mother and father for the part you have played in all this and explain how you thought it was for the best.

Your parents love you and will be willing to forgive you. Please keep me posted.

**************** Must I call off lobola?

I am a 30-year-old man, who is a neat freak. I like to keep my things tidy and I am very particular about what I wear and eat.

My friends often laugh at me and say I am too smart for a guy. I always keep my flat clean.

The problem is the love of my life is the exact opposite; she is not a very smart person.

When she comes over, she leaves my place very untidy, and her own flat is always dirty.

I want to pay lobola before the end of the year, but this is a dealbreaker for me. Must I call it off or postpone? Her dressing also leaves a lot to be desired. Please help.

Response

They say honesty is the best policy. Why go to such lengths over issues that can be tweaked through good communication? You need to tell her that her dressing and untidiness bothers you.

Say it in a tender way and state that you would want her to work on these things before you get married. Keep the conversation open and encourage her to share which traits of yours she dislikes.

Once you both learn to be open with each other, things will flow.

I always encourage people to go for premarital counselling to resolve any lingering issues that may be present before entering into a serious union. Continuously work on improving yourselves for each other’s benefit. That is what love is all about. I wish you all the best.

****************

Socialising is proving difficult

I am a 35-year-old woman, who is married to a man aged 36. Our relationship is great.

We come from rural backgrounds and we both attended mission schools. That is where we met. We decided to try to be trendy and joined a couples’ group on social media.

There are 10 couples in the group and we have gatherings. There is a lot of drinking at these gatherings. We all contribute money for these events.

At first we did not drink, and they would make fun of us and call us “masabhuku”. Eventually, the pressure became too much and we gave in. We do not enjoy drinking and the aftereffects. We are merely doing it to keep up appearances. How can we resolve this issue?

Response

Let me get right into it. They say you must go where you are celebrated and not tolerated. The fact that you feel like you need to drink to fit into this crowd means it is just not for you. Not drinking alcohol is a personal preference and it must be respected.

They can call you masabhuku, asi muri masabhuku anodanana. Avoid joining groups you are not sure of on social media; some may be fraudsters.

If you do not find joy in this group and the gatherings, and drinking makes you miserable, then why continue to attend?

Be true to yourselves and forge genuine and lasting connections with other couples.

If anything, this experience has taught you what not to do and a lot about your character as a couple. I wish you all the best.