Law lesson from an intoxicated Ziyambi

The week belonged to Ziyambi Ziyambi, the country’s best legal mind. On Saturday, after the court ruled that the former Chief Justice Luke Malaba must take a rest according to the law, Ziyambi flew into action. Without delay, he opened the nearest bottle of intoxicating brew, and then wrote a legal opinion to teach those uneducated judges a thing or two about the law.

The judges have been captured by the West, he lectured us. Then he offered the most cutting-edge legal opinion ever read in this country: “We are going to poke the enemy in the eye and confront it.”

Judges must still be reeling after being lectured on the law by a lab assistant.

Excitable Mugwadi

The way Zanu PF apparatchiks swiftly changed direction from praising Ziyambi’s diatribe will make a mushika-shika driver green with envy.

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” George Charamba screamed, before regurgitating Ziyambi’s claims that judges were taking money from the evil West. Then there was Charamba’s comical protégé, Tafadzwa Mugwadi.

Mugwadi’s mind, as everyone who has met him knows, is a vast, empty desert. Nothing goes on in there, save for occasional howling winds and the frequent braying of flea-infested donkeys. He did not disappoint his party, which takes such emptiness as a qualification. He too praised Ziyambi loudly.

And then it happened. First, Virginia Mabhiza, Ziyambi’s permanent secretary, released a statement that appeared to have been written by someone not under the influence.

And then, while Zanu PF was still reeling from this unfamiliar professionalism, the country’s owner himself tweeted some basic sense: “When our courts speak, all Zimbabweans should listen.”

Naturally, Mugwadi was one of the first to praise his owner, saying: “Well spoken Your Excellency. Everyone is hereby whipped into line.”

No doubt there is a “welcome to Zanu PF; leave your brain at the gate” sign at Jongwe Headquarters.

Ethical Temba

In parliament, Temba Mliswa, known far and wide as one of the most upstanding and ethical citizens of the country, demanded that Ziyambi come to the House to explain himself.

Temba said: “What I understand and what I think the minister (Ziyambi) should do is to come with a ministerial statement to explain why when a matter is sub-judice, he decided to comment on it. Now that the matter has been appealed, already the judges that are handling this matter are already compromised.”

Muckraker laughed into his zumbani thinking back to 2015, when a gormless Ziyambi was sacked from his post as the looterin-chief of Zanu PF in Mashonaland West. His charge? Allegedly leaking party information to Temba Mliswa. Now, here he is, being lectured on the law by Temba himself.

You know you have really messed up when Temba Mliswa is talking more sense than you.

Religious moment

Muckraker wishes to congratulate the likes of Jonathan Moyo, Saviour Kasukuwere and other minions of our previous owner. This weekend, it was revealed they had discovered the need for an independent judiciary.

“The judiciary is still breathing,” said Kasukuwere after the court ruling. It sort of sounded like a shocked robber wondering why someone is still alive after stabbing them and casting them into the nearest well.

Then there was Jonathan, spewing unfamiliar support for judges’ independence. Except, Muckraker is old enough to remember this same lot cheering, back in 2002, when the National Goblin declared: “We will respect judges where the judgments are true judgments.”

Who can forget Moyo, that same year, telling his pliant lapdog media that Justice Blackie “should be packing his bags”?

You would surely think November 2017 was a religious moment that converted sinners to the light.

National issue

In parliament this week, MPs debated critical issues facing the country: their perks.

In the last parliament, MPs were allocated stands as part of their perks. Now the MPs in the current parliament, many of them the same ones, are putting in their names for more stands. They want government to service their stands for them.

“Right now, we do not have financial muscle to be able to do the servicing,” the Deputy Minister of Local Government Marian Chombo was quoted as pleading with our representatives.

But the MPs are having none of this. One MP quipped: “We are honourable MPs. Where is our honour when we have nowhere to stay?”

In the midst of an economic crisis, a constitutional crisis and all that, doesn’t it just warm your heart when you see our elected representatives from across the aisle working together to debate issues of national importance?

Ribbon cutter

In Malawi this week, Health authorities burned 19 610 expired doses of the AstraZeneca coronavirus vaccine. Having to rely on donations, Malawi received some shots on March 26, which lasted just 18 days until they expired on April 13.

Naturally, a ceremony had to be held to mark this most auspicious occasion. Senior dignitaries gathered at a ceremony. There were speeches made and protocol observed.

Clearly, our Ribbon-Cutterin-Chief must have been envious seeing that ceremony. He has some serious competition in the region. Our leadership must find something to burn soon, lest our leadership in the field of pointless gatherings be lost to the neighbours up north.

‘Scarfed Traveller’

Dozens of African leaders flew in various jets from Africa to go to France for the France-Africa Summit. The masses of Zimbabwe were left demanding answers from France as to why the “Scarfed Traveller” was not among the African leaders.

Surely, if there is one African leader who should be travelling all the way to France to talk about Africa, it is our own leader.

Why can he too not be among the aged African leaders who jumped into the plane as soon as a 44-year-old leader of France summoned them to appear at his office? Who should we talk to about this disrespect?

Anyway, in retaliation, our owner decided to fly to Mutare instead, where he launched a new oven to treat freshly cut logs. That should teach Emmanuel Macron a lesson.

“Forget about the illegal sanctions. Focus on the resources in our country. Sanctions have helped us to be ourselves.”

New excuse

ZanuPF officials were shocked this week to be told that they can no longer use their favourite excuse for incompetence and theft.

Speaking in Mutare, their owner said: “Forget about the illegal sanctions. Focus on the resources in our country. Sanctions have helped us to be ourselves.”

So, what should we tell the masses now? If not sanctions, what reason can we give to the masses to explain our increasingly extended bellies? How can we explain to people that it is these sanctions that cause us to loot the country?

It is sanctions that cause us to violate the constitution. These are surely very confusing signals from the leadership.

Surely, it must be on the agenda of the next Politburo meeting. It is totally unacceptable for a leader to leave his party without excuses.