From a fallen Mudha to big news on TV of free toilets
This week, it was announced that Security minister Owen “Mudha” Ncube had been fired from the government. Acting Chief Cabinet Secretary George Charamba said Ncube had been sacked for “conduct inappropriate of a minister of government”.
In a government where “inappropriate conduct” is actually a badge of honour, one wonders what he could have possibly done to deserve the boot. Some people speculated that he had been fired after causing violence within Zanu PF structures.
This seems an unlikely trigger, because beating up other party members is why his boss and godfather appointed him. It is why he has always been useful to the country’s current owner for decades. Some were quick to remind us that the man struggles with basic comprehension of written words.
But, when Mudha was appointed, it was already known that he was of limited intellect, but unlimited violence. In fact, that is the best thing anyone can put on their CV if they want that job.
People-centred?
It seems we will go into the next election with no political parties at all, if a recent shock announcement is anything to go by.
President Emmerson Mnangagwa, speaking in Kwekwe, announced that only “people-centred parties” should be voted into office.
“As we prepare for the byelections, I call upon our people to vote into office political parties and individuals who are committed to wholeheartedly serve the people and improve their quality of life,” Mnangagwa said.
Surely, the masses asked, if we are supposed to vote only for politicians who are actually interested in “serving the people” or “improving their quality of life”, it means we will be left with no candidates for elections.
Why can’t we just continue with our current policy of voting the most corrupt among us? We have a wider choice there.
Baiting the youth
While in Kwekwe last week, we saw the President engaging in one of his favourite hobbies; pretending to be a council garbage man. It is an activity that seems to give him much joy.
He then launched a programme to donate cattle to youths.
It is understandable that Zanu PF is trying to attract youths into its ranks. In Matabeleland North, the party had to postpone elections for a new youth leadership because contestants turned out to be above the age of 35.
Why, all of a sudden, people in the fifties can no longer be considered as youths in the reeling party is once again a sign of a party moving further and further away from its traditions and roots.
The party has run out of young people. Using cows to bait them to join the party sounds like a splendid idea.
‘Cutting and cutting’
Speak ing of launches, the nation is running out of scissors and ribbons, due to increased demand from State House.
At a recent party event, Mnangagwa boasted that he was never going to stop cutting ribbons. He told the gathered Zanu PF povo to expect even more commissionings, launches and groundbreakings. Of course, it shows how roaringly well the economy is going under his fine leadership.
“We will continue opening, and opening some more. Cutting (ribbons) and cutting,” he said, to inevitable applause from the hordes of geniuses he leads.
However, Muckraker suggests that the President should also start presiding over company closures and failures. We are sure that he would be busier that way.
Free toilets
The biggest news this week was of the massive development taking place in Mbare. In a screaming headline, the ZBC-TV reported: Mbare toilets now open for free.
According to the nation’s number one TV station, which is also the nation’s only TV station, “sanity has finally prevailed at Mbare Musika after public toilets, which had been privatised by some councillors and individuals, were re-opened to the public to use free of charge.”
This is the sort of infrastructural development that is the envy of other countries all over Africa. Soon, regional leaders will be making high-level visits into the country to see the miracle of free toilets. And yet we hear detractors saying the New Dispensation is not delivering.
Bring out the ribbon and scissors. Next stop is Mbare.
What a Mother
Acco rding to the Herald, the newspaper loved globally for its rare expertise in reporting on things that never happened, there has been a nationwide call for the “Mother of the Nation” to keep working for the country.
“Bowing to public demand, First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa has agreed to continue with her educative and interactive Nharirire Yemusha programme which has seen her tour all the country’s 10 provinces as she leads in the search for solutions to the challenges bedevilling families and society today,” the paper reported.
We are all aware that there had been nationwide panic after the First Lady disappeared from our television screens for a few days.
According to the Herald, among the biggest crises facing the country, our National Mother said, are the fact that “boys put on more than three trousers at once” and girls’ skirts are too short.
We should be so grateful that we have someone who is tackling such critical national issues.
Dedicated dictators
Muck raker was happy to see Paul Biya, one of Africa’s leading democrats, opening the Africa Cup of Nations at a shiny modern stadium in Yaoundé.
That he was so frail that he slumped to the floor immediately after delivering his speech is the latest evidence of how dedicated African leaders are to their people.
The man is 89, and he could be resting after leading his people since 1982. But he sacrifices his comfort for the people of Cameroon.
In the 2018 elections, Biya won global plaudits for a remarkable election. In the regions where people despise him for no reason, some 60% of the polling stations did not open. The US government, naturally, said such mere “irregularities” did not change the outcome of the poll.
You can be sure our owner is wondering how he too can get a deal that allows him to cheat and still be America’s friend.