Zanu PF apparatchiks squirm, throw tantrums at newborn ‘yellow’ party
This week, the launch of a new “yellow branded” party was such a non-event that government officials, Zanu PF officials and other patriots spent all week talking about it.
According to George Charamba, the world’s shrillest presidential spokesperson, the launch of Nelson Chamisa’s Citizens Coalition for Change was a non-event, a “proposal for an old, failing faction”. To prove that this was all about a failed party, he then went on to post about it endlessly for three more days.
Not to be outdone, Nick Mangwana, the world’s most misinformed information secretary, also launched his own tirade at the nonentity. There was more talk about this pointless rebranding from Zanu PF’s Tafadzwa Mugwadi, a man who makes himself angry for no reason, alleged party youth leader Tendai Chirau, and many other patriots.
They need to bill Nelson Chamisa for the advertising campaign they have provided for his party. That broke party needs to pay for such excellent publicity.
Ungrateful Africans
The nation was reminded yet again that, were it not for our Chinese friends, we would still be living in the dark ages.
After some paid malcontents complained about Chinese miners digging up their villages, the Chinese embassy and a group of Chinese businesses came out to remind us to be grateful.
“Were it not for China’s funding support and the work of Chinese companies in ICT and power generation, even the statement in question would perhaps have to be scribbled on a piece of paper, in a candle-lit room, and never find its way to a functioning internet,” they said in a statement.
This is the problem with ungrateful Africans. The Chinese give you guns to free yourself from colonial bondage, and you still make noise? Have people not read about Will Rogers’ concept of “trickle down economics”? Are the Chinese not contributing to the national economy by making sure our leaders are well fed on our behalf?
Poor war vets
War veterans were summoned from their farms to catch the morning bus to Harare this week to witness yet another momentous event in the New Dispensation.
New Vista Investment Trust is the latest in a long series of companies formed to take care of war veterans’ investments. It will, no doubt, follow in the illustrious steps of similar companies, like the War Veterans Investment Corporation, the War Veterans Mining Company, the Veterans Financial Services, the Veterans Tourism Company, the Veterans Property Development Company and the Vets Security Company.
Last time Muckraker checked, Veterans Financial Services announced plans a year ago to apply for a banking licence. The nation can hardly wait to put their money in that bank. There is no doubt that it will be the most secure bank that will be the envy of the likes of JP Morgan, the so-called biggest bank in the world.
The fact that poor war veterans are still to see money they deposited into a company called Zexcom that took their money 20 years ago purportedly to invest it is neither here nor there. What’s a few missing dollars among comrades?
Promises fulfilled
War veterans were shocked this week to hear news that Zanu PF had fulfilled its election promises.
According to Chris Mutsvangwa, speaking to stunned war veterans: “President (Emmerson) Mnangagwa has now shown that three years into the Second Republic, the promises on which he rose to power, the manifesto that he championed during the 2018 election, are now bearing fruit. Instead of promises he gives us deliverables.”
Previously, in the old regime, war veterans could do as they pleased without getting arrested, save for that one time they were teargassed after Robert Mugabe got a bit annoyed after they made him miss his breakfast.
These days, war veterans are routinely shunted into police trucks by hungry young cops when they ask for useless things like pensions that are enough to buy a loaf of bread.
Clearly, Mutsvangwa is right. Mnangagwa’s promise to treat everyone equally has come to pass. His government violates the rights of everyone now.
When he promised that nobody would be left behind, he meant it.
Magician Mthuli
The nation congratulates Mthuli Ncube for being named as one of Africa’s best finance ministers.
While his sterling work was receiving global awards left, right and centre, the World Food Programme was trying hard to rain on his parade. According to this obviously Western-sponsored NGO, “while the country’s economy grew by 5% in 2021 compared to a decline of 4% in 2020 (it) does not reflect the situation for the most vulnerable households in urban and rural settings …”
But, according to the publication Financial Afrik, Ncube is among ministers who “have implemented transformative economic policies with results”.
The transformation includes transforming the poor into the extremely poor, magically transforming salaries into vapour and transforming the currency into dust. What a magician.
“Were it not for China’s funding support and the work of Chinese companies in ICT and power generation, even the statement in question would perhaps have to be scribbled on a piece of paper, in a candle-lit room, and never find its way to a functioning internet.”
The new old
Muckraker, like everyone else all around the world and inside Zanu PF, wishes to congratulate Chamisa and his crew for launching a new party.
“This is a new direction, a new set of principles,” Chamisa said at the launch. “Behold the new.”
To prove that we were in for fresh things, Murisi Zwizwai lodged his papers at Nomination Court this week for the by-election, in order to contest as MP for Harare Central. This year, he celebrates 20 years as MP of the constituency. Others, like Innocent Gonese, have already hit year 22 in parliament.
Even Zanu PF old timers will be envious of such consistency.
Daring thieves
It has been reported that some thieves stole power cables from a line leading up to the State House in Bulawayo.
“Some daring thieves recently targeted President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s ever closely guarded official Bulawayo residence, making good their escape with power cables and plunging the State House into darkness,” a report said.
Police spokesperson Abednico Ncube asked the public “to assist police with information that might lead to the arrest of the suspects”.
Muckraker urges anyone that finds those chaps to resist the temptation to reward them for national service.