Men need to open up more

„ THIS week I had two amazing visitors – my young brother, last born in our family and my sister, the one I grew up with since childhood. The week was ablaze with a lot of stories, laughter, tears, rebuke, chiding and all sorts of realities. Family is pretty dope, especially when you get along and all is honky dory.

As we were sharing stories, we shared some sad narratives about suicide. It has been tough in recent months as the number of men committing suicide is rising. We also got to talking about mjolo (love and/or relationships). Yes, relationships can get intense at times and it may feel like an eternity of pain but sometimes they do feel like bliss.

To take one’s life seems drastic, right? Well, not at all. Have you dear reader been in a difficult position, a space where it seems like there is nowhere to run? Life can place you in narratives you never imagined. During these times, dear reader, we ought to explore what support systems we have to heal and forge on with life. This is hard!

Our histories and herstories

As we traced our roots and process of socialisation, we spoke about our paternal grandmother, mothers and all sorts of relatives. We unpacked their lives and came to the realisation that people have it tough. One thing we agreed on was that they had spaces to debrief and got support for the many issues that they had to deal with at various stages of their lives. They lived. Well, we of course did acknowledge that, life gets in the way, things do not work out according to plan and sometimes we want to take some time out.

Imagine having the ability to press pause on life, go into hibernation or even disappear when things are tough then merge when that part of life passes. Well, unless you are part of a fantasy movie, this is impossible in real life. Life is so full of pain, ups, downs and the mundane, plus the all between.

As we talked, we realised that our culture has taught men to be unhealthy. I mean who can live life without crying? I find that crying is one of the most therapeutic ways to live. I am confused, I cry. I am excited, I cry. I am hormonal, I cry. I am hurt, I cry. Well, I cry, sometimes in public, sometimes in private. Sometimes I do not even know where to cry but I cry.

Now, imagine being told that crying is a sign of weakness and that you are supposed to be “strong”. Ah, what kind of strength is that? With the hectic way of Zimbabwean life, how does one even exist as a normal human as they try to make ends meet?

Relationships, financial issues, extended family, religion and spirituality, mjolo, you name it – there is a constant and myriad narrative that faces you all the time. You are told to be the “head of the house” or leader – whatever that even means – and this places such a huge amount of pressure on one’s life.

As we exchanged stories with my family, we realised that men are often told very weird things like: you cannot cry, be “strong”, keep pushing. To where? Only the unseen forces know, when they share, the results are often laughs or a place to prove manhood.

This is rather toxic. I recall on one WhatsApp group someone blaming the feminists and calling them witches. The point here is that men have been dealt a rather unfair hand.

There was once upon a time in society someone who came up with all these weird narratives that have put our boys and men in rather precarious positions as their balance of the masculine and feminine energies is so warped. It is very sad. We cannot keep losing our men and boys to death by suicide.

There has got to be a better way to handle internal turmoil that does not include taking one’s life. We owe it to ourselves to begin forging a new narrative ahead.

As my brother Alois Nyamazana and Tony Friday (google their names, they are handy for support when looking for mental health of boys and men) always share, men ought to be vulnerable and not mind what the world thinks. Men and boys owe it to themselves to open up so they save each other’s lives. It is no longer business as usual as we seek to preserve life and recreate narratives of what it means to be a boy or man.

Recreating our collective futures

Sitting with my two family members, it was obvious that we were enjoying each other’s company. We held hands, prayed, cried, shared, were vulnerable and acknowledged that if each of us has at least five people we can open up to and be vulnerable, this world would be a better place.

Never mind your thoughts around what if I am judged and all sorts. Look for a tribe, choose it and share with them. Open up. Be vulnerable. Forget that you should not share your inner self with others – it is toxic. Learn to embrace others as fellow humans that you can share your life with.

My beloved brothers and sons, now is the time to recreate our narratives. We can redefine what it means to be masculine in a healthy way – cry, talk, share, hug, cry again and whilst you are there, embrace your femininity too. It is the ying and the yang to being human and it is in each of us, all of us! We keep pushing to become better humans as much as we can and to you dear reader, create space and time for our men and boys to just be, allow them the gift of being authentic. It is doable. As refreshing as was my visit from my two family members – let us allow vulnerability to be a wonderful gift of growth. Until then, we live, laugh and love in a bid to show the world that we were here, becoming better, making our mark, leaving our footprint as we make the world a better place!

Grace ruvimbo chirenje writes in her

personal capacity as a citiZen of Zimbabwe. follow her on social media for more lifeZone with Grace conversations on twitter: @ Graceruvimbo; facebook: Grace chirenje; instaGram: @Graceruvimbo.