Shut­down

Ten style mis­takes to side­step

Australian T3 - - CONTENTS -

1/ Over-ear head­phones with a suit

At best, you re­sem­ble a sec­ond-rate foot­baller wan­der­ing around try­ing to find the team bus; at worst, you look like you’ve gone out for your lunch break and for­got­ten to leave your head­set at the call cen­tre. Dis­creet in-ears tend to be the best choice with for­mal wear, but don’t thread them un­der­neath your clothes – you’re not in high school any­more.

2/ Nike FuelBand at a fu­neral

We know you’re locked in a con­stant fit­ness bat­tle with yourself, but even though each time you put your arm around a cry­ing rel­a­tive you burn a fifth of a Mars Bar-worth of calo­ries, it’s still bad form to lifelog while Un­cle Bill’s in a box. Yes, even though you’ve got the black one.

3/ E-cig­a­rettes

Of which there are two main types: ones that look like gi­ant plas­tic cigars and ones that look like Dr Who’s Sonic Screw­driver. Both look ab­surd. Of course, the real rub will come in twenty years’ time, when all the tests come back to re­veal that one elec­tronic fag is more dan­ger­ous than be­ing trapped in a win­dow­less room with the Marlboro Man for a decade. Just say no, kids.

4/ Drunken hair clip­ping

Re­turn­ing late af­ter a few down at the pub, you’re brush­ing your teeth and no­tice you’ve de­vel­oped un­ruly eye­brows. But logic de­sert­ing you, you fire up your clip­pers in the dim, post-clos­ing time light, and… Zzzzzp. You’ve East 17’d yourself. Again.

5/ Carry non-Ap­ple tech in a trendy café

Your lo­cal, eth­i­cally sourced cof­fee shop may look like the per­fect place to get a bit of work done, but pull some­thing other than a Mac­Book from your ruck­sack and you feel like you’ve drawn a banana in a gun­fight. You’d be less con­spic­u­ous if you jogged into PETA’s HQ cov­ered in whale blood and eat­ing a panda.

6/ Heart-rate mon­i­tors

The Vel­cro straps are pulled tightly across your fleshy moobs, mak­ing your body a dou­ble for a string of plump sausages. A bulky sen­sor slab rests just above your blood­pumper, hid­den enough un­der your shirt so that passers-by think you just have a hugely in­flamed left nip­ple. You’re only plan­ning a 15-minute jog around the block, too, as any­thing more than that causes it to start bleep­ing fu­ri­ously and threat­en­ing to ring the paramedics.

7/ Techy specs

We’ve all, at some point, had a go at wear­ing 3D glasses out­doors, only to come to the crush­ing re­al­i­sa­tion that we look less like Kanye West duet­ing with Daft Punk and more like an IMAX thief scop­ing his next big score. Soon, we’ll all have Google Glass, or one of its many im­i­ta­tors, the bur­geon­ing Blue­tooth head­sets of the next gen­er­a­tion. Can these make us look cool? If cool is look­ing like a fu­tur­is­tic den­tist, then yes, yes they can.

8/ Hands-free kits

You’re sit­ting on the train, face pressed ner­vously against the win­dow as an es­caped psy­chi­atric pa­tient next to you nat­ters away to them­selves ma­ni­a­cally. Turn­ing to seek a nod of sym­pa­thy from some­one, any­one, you re­alise it’s just a City type too busy to hold their phone. Note to self: never be too busy to hold your phone.

9/ Budget tablets

Here’s how the de­sign meet­ings go for the flood of cut-price slates: “We’re sell­ing them for $25, so have a ma­te­ri­als and man­u­fac­tur­ing budget of 50c. Any ideas?” “How about an­other chunky, plas­tic rec­tan­gle? The sort of plas­tic they make wa­ter­ing and petrol cans out of, with a screen stolen from an old Etch-A-Sketch?” And no mat­ter what cover you buy, no­body will be fooled into think­ing it’s an iPad, even if you…

10/ Put an Ap­ple sticker on non-Ap­ple tech

Why stop there? Why not take a marker pen and scrawl “Fer­rari” on your hatch­back, stitch “Calvin Klein” into all of your Lowes pants and scratch “Alessi” into the side of the ket­tle you picked up in the Tar­get sale? Af­ter all, there’s a rea­son why all of the cool people in House of Cards have Macs, rather than Mac-branded ruck­sacks.

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