Smartphone trends we could live without

1

Gold colourway – Unless you’re a Bond villain, we suggest you stay clear of the blinged-up versions of the One M8, Galaxy S5 and iPhone 5S. Less the ultimate luxury statement, more the quickest way to display your lack of taste. The same goes for leathereffect backs. Just say no.

2

Innovative security features – Tech can now recognise you by your fingerprint, your retinas or by scanning the vein patterns in your hand. It’s all very futuristic, but until the tech’s been totally perfected, we’ll stick to using a pin number to protect our more high-risk data.

3

Bigger screens – The latest Android devices have upped their display sizes again; there’s even talk that Apple might be going large. Enough is enough, we’re taking a stand: a phone needs to be able to fit comfortably in your pocket and be used with one hand.

4

Curved screens – We’re sincerely hoping that the LG G Flex and Samsung Galaxy Round are entertaining anomalies rather than the future of smartphones. Curved TVs make some sense, providing better viewing angles, but the same argument doesn’t hold true for phones. If the only plus point is that the design cups your butt cheeks better when in your back pocket, we’ll have to pass for now.

5

Selfie modes With phone cameras now producing snaps that most compact cams would be happy with, it’s all about the features. Some are helpful – HDR and auto modes – but any that encourage the recent selfie craze can, frankly, piss off.

6

People that like phones too much – Your choice of phone does not define you as a human being. Anyone that does not agree with your choice of handset is neither an “iDiot” nor are they swallowing “SamSh*t”.