ANDREW TAKES AIM AT THE FSO POLONEZ

But don’t worry, we’ll hit him back with a stunning Polski Fiat 125P in the next issue!

What was the worst car that sticks in your memory? For me, it wasn’t a Skoda Estelle or a Lada 1200 because although neither of those cars were brilliant, there was a whiff of honesty about them. No, the worst car I’ve ever driven has to be a 1982 FSO Polonez. The name FSO took over from Polski Fiat around 1982 when Fiat were feeling guilt by apparent association and making legal noises – and it didn’t take long for some wag to coin the phrase For Suckers Only.

The Polonez hatchback arrived in the UK in 1979, based on the 1967-72 Fiat 125 that Polski Fiat rehashed as the 125P. The 125 was the bigger version of the 124 that became the Lada, and as the 125 was based on the 1961 Fiat 1500, it was already ancient when the 125 was replaced by the 132 in 1972. For clarity’s sake, the 124 that arrived in 1966 looked similar to the 125, but featured new coil spring suspension and was generally a better effort. The Lada 1200 was thus a pretty well sorted and cheerful budget car at an astonishingly low price of £1995.

The Polonez as launched in 1978 and imported here from 1979 was an awkward restyle on an ancient design and sold as a modern car. Its main problem was that it wasn’t cheap when first sold here, especially as it had rather a lot of deficiencies. It was crudely finished, had handling and ride qualities you’d expect from an early 1960s design and the performance, whilst good on paper, was hampered by a mixture of carburettor flat spots and almost intolerable noise. Add very heavy steering and fuel economy that worked out at a laughable 21mpg overall on the early test cars and it was quite clear that this was not a very good car by any standards. Oh, and despite being a hatchback, the rear seats didn’t fold down. Outstanding work.

Good points? Well, it was quite robust and, er... come on, help me out here.

Now, if the Polonez had cost the same as a Lada 1200 or one of the 120L Skodas at just under £2000, then there was perhaps a case for it. Even at £2200 it would have found buyers and perhaps found a niche. But at £2999? Forget it. At around £3000 in 1979 there were a lot of half decent saloons on offer. Don’t laugh, but a 1300L Marina with its cloth trim and heated rear screen was £3078 and was far better than the Polonez with light controls, fair finish and a lively, economical 1275. An Avenger LS 1300 was certainly lacking in handbuilt craftsmanship, but at £2816 it was a cheap, robust saloon that drove well. From the same Chrysler stable, the lively and comfy Horizon LS at £2800 was certainly worth a look. Other worthwhile cars included the 1300 Cavalier at £3134, and the ugly but smooth riding and reliable Renault 12 at a bargain £2829. From Fiat themselves you had the spacey new Strada for £3050 or the redoubtable 131 Mirafiori 1300L four-door for £2825, fine cars both.

The real sales winner though came from elsewhere. There is a reason why the Ford Escort sold so well, and that’s because it was exactly right for budget buyers. Forget the GL and Ghia stuff, that was just expensive tinsel. No, it was the Populars and the L where the value for money was found. As a car, the Mk2 Escort was nothing special. It didn’t ride or handle like an Alfasud, but it didn’t rot like one either. It was solidly constructed with much better attention to detail than anything from Eastern Europe. All round vision was superb, the seats quite good, the minor controls, pedals and gearshift beyond criticism. The so-so ride was made up for by predicable handling, light steering, lively economical crossflow engines and progressive disc brakes (unless the tightwad buyer went for the relative misery of the two door drum braked 1100 Popular at £2364). Adding to the Ford’s tally came known reliability, cheap spares, very good resale value and a dealer in every town. Really, you couldn’t go wrong.

And they were cheap enough as well. To match the Polonez in door count, £2580 bought you an 1100 Popular Plus with cloth trim and radials, but to match or beat its 91mph top speed you needed the 1300 version at £2671, whereupon you got servo assisted front discs as well. If you needed to match the Polonez’s reclining front seats, inertia reel belts, hazard lights, chrome driver’s door mirror and some extra sound deadening, the 1300 L at £2888 left enough change for both a radio and quite a lot of petrol.

Neither FSO or Lada were ever going to make it long term in the UK, and whilst the Estelles and Ladas gained a bit of inverse snob appeal – a four wheel Che Guevara t-shirt if you like – the Polonez was always seen as a joke. By 1991 it was all over and the last 125P saloons (still looking like a 1960s Fiat) and the Polonez both bit the dust. Quite simply, there was just no good reason to buy one, and when manufacturers started to launch their own proper used car networks, that party was well and truly over.