GETTING OFF TO A BAD START

35 years ago Andrew bought his first BMW. It's amazing he ever bought another.

You know that sinking feeling you get when a car reveals itself to be utter rubbish? For me this terrible and bitter disappointment turned out to be a 1977 320 Automatic.

Back then I bought and sold cars. Prime auction stock consisted of tired Mk3 Escorts, and you quickly learned to avoid Metros. This BMW, XJX 989R or something like that, would once have been an expensive and highly prized thing, but 11 years and 100,000 miles later its value was best measured by weight having received the attentions of a well known local craftsman called Monty. The head had been off to cure oil and water mixing (‘ It’s the head gasket mate’) and it was being sold by the exasperated trader who’d given up with it.

This polished turd fired up and sounded quite good, so I paid him £300 and powered off down the A34 like a pound shop executive all the way to Oddington where I lived at the time.

By the time I go there, it no longer sounded so good. It was pinking under the lightest load, and if kickdown was employed, the big ends would rattle nicely.

Back at the garage my dad owned, my BMW was put on the four poster and the underside examined with particular scrutiny to reveal that all four jacking points were knackered. Out came the Davids P40, the life saving MoT- scraping GRP filler. P40 was given a number of names such as Red welding, cold welding, Hairy Mary, cold MIG and so on. It was evil stuff. Without any structural support greater than a Frosties box, P40 would bridge gaps that the Royal Engineers would find daunting. Once hardened, it was sanded into shape and plastered with textured stone chip for that ‘solid mate’ Motor Trade look.

The engine though was absolutely knackered. The BMW M10 is often described as ' the best thing they ever made' or 'bombproof,' but I remember the ones I had as being as bad as everything else, burning oil and playing top end castanets from a worn out cam. Plus typically a cracked head, which is what afflicted mine. Badly. Every 200 miles, the oil in the sump had mixed with water. There was no point in adding new oil as it would be ruined within a week and thus wasted. No, I elected to change the oil every week – using old oil. Yep, the Everett hall of shame will witness someone’s Sierra or whatever in for an oil and filter change, the used multigrade being funnelled into the BMW for a final short tour of duty.

After a couple of thousand miles it was clear that the 320 didn’t have long to live as it was now overheating as well. This was possibly caused by me retarding the ignition a few degrees to quell the big end rattle. A one way trip to the auctions was required, but only after another dose of part- worn 20/ 50 and giving the header tank a good clean.

My imaginary auction form (to be filled out by the vendor) was slightly different to the one I actually filled out. ‘ Has the vehicle travelled over 100,000 (one hundred thousand) miles?’ You bet it has. ‘ Is any guarantee offered with this used vehicle’? Mate, when I guarantee a car is used, trust me, it’s been used.

‘ Does the vendor possess any kind of guilty conscience when off- loading this motor vehicle?' None whatsoever.

Its final tickling was a good one. The centre of the thermostat was removed and the bypass hose blocked off with a wooden cotton reel, and oil enhanced with about two litres of EP140 diff oil. XJX made the short trip to Witney Car Auctions without a hitch and it sounded pretty good when making its way though the hall. The fact that the bonnet was suddenly reluctant to open (funny that...) did not harm the sale, and the sorry heap sold for about £280 if I remember rightly. Well, it was a cheap two months of motoring.

Messing about with old bangers like that was an apprenticeship of sorts and it stood me in good stead, teaching me expletives which I still use to this very day. It’s another skill entirely knowing just when to get rid of a knackered car as it straddles the short step between runner and dead. The bloke I bought it from must have known it all too well, and so would the next (and probably final) owner!

Without any structural support, P40 would bridge gaps that the Royal Engineers would find daunting

We are disgusted by that sort of behaviour and do not condone it! We're only allowing Andrew to repeat it here as a warning – Ed