RULES WE’D LIK E TO BREAK

Velominati’s ‘The Rules’ are a tongue-in-cheek primer to cycling that are often taken far too seriously. The BikeRadar Podcast decide which ones need ditching...

MATTHEW: They’re self-identified as the Velominati – the ‘Keepers of the Cog’. The Rules are an etiquette guide that list everything that, as a proper roadie, you’re supposed to respect. While in some ways they could be seen as a valid starting point for shaping your personality as a roadie, we’re going to talk about how, maybe, those rules are a bit prescriptive and potentially quite elitist.

ROB: And rules are there to be broken, as my dad always told me. How many rules are there?

TOM: 94. It says 95 on the site but they don’t have a 13. Because 13 is an unlucky number.

ROB: And that’s one of the rules. Racers will wear it upside down.

MATTHEW: I wore 13 in a race, I didn’t turn it upside down I but did fall over. ROB: And that ends our conversation about The Rules. They work! MATTHEW: I want to talk about leg shaving. For full disclosure, two of the three people at this table have shaved legs. ROB: I don’t. I have done so in the past, usually if I’m going on a bike launch where you know the other journos are going to have fully shaven bodies, because that’s how cycling journalists roll. But I made the decision this year not to. My background is running and runners don’t shave their legs. TOM: Do they have rules?

ROB: It’s not the same kind of culture. It’s tiny little shorts, vests you can see your nipples through. And that’s it.

TOM: There are benefits to shaved legs. MATTHEW: You look cool.

ROB: Do you look cool? The first time I shaved my legs was when I went for a group ride with my brother-in-law in Australia. He told me I had to. It was weird. I ruined their shower, and my legs. But I’ve got to the point where I don’t care what people think about me. If people are judging my cycling ability on the hirsuteness of my legs, they’re idiots.

TOM: I just find it a nice thing, I’m in the shower, a bit of music playing, it’s a bit of me time.

ROB: Candles?

TOM: I shaved them because of the wind tunnel feature I wrote in the last issue – how to go faster for free. And it saved eight watts at 35km/h into a headwind, so it is faster. Over 160km it’s about four minutes. So, during a sportive you’ve got time to get your pint in at the end before your mate with hairy legs gets in.

ROB: What else annoys you? MATTHEW: Slamming your stem. There’s a platonic ideal of what a racing bike should look like - a super-aggressive fit, stem slammed right down on top of headset cover, big saddle-to-bar drop. Yes it looks better, but you should set up your bike so that it’s comfortable.

TOM: I don’t like these vintage race bikes. I like an aero, carbon, aggressive bike. Even to the detriment of my comfort over a long ride I will slam my stem to make it look better. ROB: I am 46, I can barely touch my knees, let alone my toes.

MATTHEW: I was a racer, with a stem slammed right down. That was probably quite a stupid thing to do. These days I’m much more relaxed and I just ride what feels comfortable.

ROB: Some of these rules feel like they could be to the detriment of cycling, and me talking about having a bad back, wanting comfort, plays into another rule – harden the f**k up. That’s something you hear quite a lot.

MATTHEW: We do fetishise suffering in cycling. Obviously, if you are training to win a race, there’s going to be suffering. But we place it on this weird pedestal and again it can be quite exclusive.

ROB: The stuff about training in the rules is all valid, but this is one you don’t need to follow.

MATTHEW: Okay, next one: saddle bags. Rule 29 says saddle bags have no place on a road bike. This is a stupid rule. If you look at the pros training at home they’ll have a saddle bag. The rules say that you should put everything in your jersey but if you’re a skinny roadie like me and you have three very small jersey pockets you look stupid if you fill them with stuff. I don’t know how that’s more aesthetically pleasing than a small saddle bag.

This is an edited transcript from the BikeRadar Podcast. Download it now on iTunes, Spotify and all your usual podcast sources.

“Some of these rules feel like they could be to the detriment of cycling”

1 – Harden the f**k up 2 – Slamming stem 3 – Leg shaving 4 – No saddle bags 5 – Bike before family