I LOVE... A FESTIVE FIASCO

Matt Preston comes up with a scientific way to measure the severity of Christmas disasters.

OH, THE PRESSURE we put on ourselves every Christmas, before things invariably unravel. For me, these disasters can be ranked like storms and hurricanes, so here is my own festive version of the revised Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale. CATEGORY TWO: Objecting to your sisters playing a Neil Sedaka Christmas album because The Pogues’ 'Fairytale of New York' is the perfect soundtrack may not be a major disaster, but has the potential to explode into to a full-blown Category Seven. To avoid this, be diplomatic – suggest only songs that have the same patented Christmas chord progression and use lots of sleigh bells. CATEGORY THREE: Forgetting to buy cranberry sauce, not steaming enough brussels sprouts, or forgetting the long-running vendetta between Uncle Colin and cousin Bert, and sitting them opposite each other. These rank alongside other easily avoided Christmas dramas, like not buying batteries or the ill-judged gift – though I stand by my claim that the bicarb-filled plastic monkey you hung in the fridge to soak up bad odours was a great present. CATEGORY FOUR: The woman I love and I both come from families littered with what I lovingly call 'Christmas Nazis'. The secret to avoiding tension here is to accommodate both sides. I am, however, a little less pliant when someone suggests that Christmas lunch can start at 4pm. CATEGORY FIVE: These are the disasters that can’t be avoided by better planning. Like the time my grandmother used real candles on the tree and set it on fire. Then there’s the time my friend Phoebe took oysters to her parents in the bush and broke the oyster knife opening the first one. They had to get the electric drill out instead. CATEGORY SIX: These almost always revolve around the turkey, whether it’s thanks to the old blokes deciding that the turkey should be cooked on the Weber without really understanding how, or the oven that turned itself off halfway through cooking. CATEGORY SEVEN: These disasters are best summed up by a tale told by my sister's partner, of a lovely old woman in his local village who decided to make Christmas puddings for all her neighbours. She had a wonderful family recipe that featured the traditional inclusion of beef suet. The trouble was, the suet was off, and the whole village was taken ill on Christmas Day. Of course, in terms of scale, all these calamities are eclipsed by misjudging Christmas as the perfect time to drop a bombshell on your parents (when it definitely wasn’t). After that, any culinary disasters pale into insignificance, so relax – it’s just another meal! Maximise your time with the people there, not the kitchen.

CHRISTMAS PUDDING WITH SALTED-CARAMEL GANACHE

SERVES 8-10 Begin this recipe 2 days ahead. You will need a 2L pudding basin with lid. 2/ 3 cup (100g) plain flour 1 tsp each ground cinnamon, nutmeg and mixed spice 50g each brown and dark brown sugar 200g dried suet mix (from supermarkets) 100g fresh white sourdough breadcrumbs 1 Granny Smith apple, peeled, grated 175g currants 225g sultanas 250g seedless raisins 100g dried cranberries 75g each dried apricots and pitted prunes, cut into 5mm pieces 75g dried sour cherries, roughly chopped 100g whole blanched almonds, finely chopped 2 tsp each finely grated orange zest and lemon zest 1 tbs each treacle, orange juice, lemon juice and brandy 1/ 3 cup (80ml) Guinness or stout 2 eggs, lightly beaten 100g unsalted butter, melted Fresh pitted cherries and custard, to serve

SALTED CARAMEL GANACHE

150g dark (70%) chocolate, finely chopped

1/ 3 cup (80ml) pure (thin) cream, hot

1/4 cup (85g) dulce de leche, room temperature 2 tsp sea salt

To make the ganache, place chocolate in a large bowl over a saucepan of gently simmering water. Pour over the hot cream and whisk until combined and smooth. Remove from heat and whisk in dulce de leche and salt until combined and smooth. Refrigerate, stirring occasionally, until cool but still soft, then shape ganache into a ball. Place on a lined tray and freeze until ready to use.

Sift the flour and spices into a large bowl. Add sugars, suet, breadcrumbs, apple, dried fruit, almonds, and orange and lemon zest. Stir together until well combined. Place remaining ingredients in a separate bowl and beat together. Pour mixture into the dry ingredients and stir thoroughly. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

The following day, stir the batter. Pour half the mixture into a well-buttered 2L pudding basin, followed by ganache ball, then remaining batter. Cover with baking paper and lid. Place in a large saucepan filled with water, making sure the water reaches half-way up the side of the pudding basin. Bring to the boil, then reduce heat to low and steam for 4 hours. (Top up with water if necessary.) Set aside to cool, then refrigerate overnight.

When ready to serve, re-steam pudding for 1 hour or until hot, then rest for 10 minutes before turning onto a plate. Serve with fresh cherries and warm custard (recipe on delicious.com.au).