Dear Diva,

There’s a guy at the gym who’s been try­ing to flirt with me. He seems like a nice guy but he’s so hairy! That much hair is real a turn-off for me. I’m not sure how to let him down gen­tly.

Dear Ain’t No Hairy Fairy,

Never miss an op­por­tu­nity to get a good piece of dick. If this man has a sweet dick and he can ring your bell, the fact that he looks like a griz­zly bear is not im­por­tant. I’d fuck an alien with six toes if he could make my pussy tin­gle. If the hair re­ally grosses you out, treat him to a mas­sage at the spa and sug­gest a wax­ing while you’re there. Tell him af­ter the wax­ing you’ll cover him in choco­late and lick him from head to toe like an ice cream cone. This should en­tice him to take that shit off.

Dear Diva,

I broke up with my ex last year. I have moved on and have a new man in my life but my ex keeps tex­ting me, sug­gest­ing that we get to­gether. I think he is lonely.

Dear Ex Tex­ting Tragedy,

Your ex prob­a­bly is lonely. But this is not your prob­lem. You are not his mother or his fuck­ing ther­a­pist. He needs to move on. Just ig­nore his texts. At some point, he will get the mes­sage that your lack of re­sponse means

that you don’t want to be both­ered.

Dear Diva,

One of my friends wants me to in­vest in his new busi­ness. I have known him for years and con­sider him a good guy. My boyfriend, how­ever, doesn’t think it’s a good idea – but I want to help my friend.

Dear Hasty In­vestor,

Your boyfriend might be on to some­thing. You never re­ally know peo­ple un­til you work with them or live with them. Just be­cause you enjoy cock­tails or go­ing on va­ca­tion with a moth­er­fucker doesn’t mean that they would make a good busi­ness part­ner. You need to do your due dili­gence and re­search ev­ery as­pect of this in­vest­ment op­por­tu­nity as if you were work­ing with a stranger.

Dear Diva,

My new guy loves hav­ing sex in pub­lic places. He has an amaz­ing body and loves to show it off. I love get­ting naughty with him but last week we had din­ner at my par­ents’ house and he wanted to have sex on their back porch. I re­fused and he got an­gry. I would have been so em­bar­rassed if my par­ents had caught us. Dear Pub­lic Mother’s (Porch) Fucker,

I’m all for thrills and a good time but you were right not to fuck on your par­ents’ porch. I would not want my mother to see me with my ass all up in the air. You ob­vi­ously re­spect your par­ents and their home. If your man can’t un­der­stand that, you need to have a long hard look at your re­la­tion­ship. He may have to be placed in the Fuck Buddy bin! If he wants to fuck your back pas­sage – fine. But not your folks’ back porch!

Never miss an op­por­tu­nity to get good dick. If he has a sweet dick and can ring your bell, the fact he looks like a griz­zly bear is not im­por­tant!

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