DEAR DIVA’S ADVICE
SHE’LL SORT YOUR SHIT OUT!
There’s a guy at the gym who’s been trying to flirt with me. He seems like a nice guy but he’s so hairy! That much hair is real a turn-off for me. I’m not sure how to let him down gently.
Dear Ain’t No Hairy Fairy,
Never miss an opportunity to get a good piece of dick. If this man has a sweet dick and he can ring your bell, the fact that he looks like a grizzly bear is not important. I’d fuck an alien with six toes if he could make my pussy tingle. If the hair really grosses you out, treat him to a massage at the spa and suggest a waxing while you’re there. Tell him after the waxing you’ll cover him in chocolate and lick him from head to toe like an ice cream cone. This should entice him to take that shit off.
I broke up with my ex last year. I have moved on and have a new man in my life but my ex keeps texting me, suggesting that we get together. I think he is lonely.
Dear Ex Texting Tragedy,
Your ex probably is lonely. But this is not your problem. You are not his mother or his fucking therapist. He needs to move on. Just ignore his texts. At some point, he will get the message that your lack of response means
that you don’t want to be bothered.
One of my friends wants me to invest in his new business. I have known him for years and consider him a good guy. My boyfriend, however, doesn’t think it’s a good idea – but I want to help my friend.
Dear Hasty Investor,
Your boyfriend might be on to something. You never really know people until you work with them or live with them. Just because you enjoy cocktails or going on vacation with a motherfucker doesn’t mean that they would make a good business partner. You need to do your due diligence and research every aspect of this investment opportunity as if you were working with a stranger.
My new guy loves having sex in public places. He has an amazing body and loves to show it off. I love getting naughty with him but last week we had dinner at my parents’ house and he wanted to have sex on their back porch. I refused and he got angry. I would have been so embarrassed if my parents had caught us. Dear Public Mother’s (Porch) Fucker,
I’m all for thrills and a good time but you were right not to fuck on your parents’ porch. I would not want my mother to see me with my ass all up in the air. You obviously respect your parents and their home. If your man can’t understand that, you need to have a long hard look at your relationship. He may have to be placed in the Fuck Buddy bin! If he wants to fuck your back passage – fine. But not your folks’ back porch!
Never miss an opportunity to get good dick. If he has a sweet dick and can ring your bell, the fact he looks like a grizzly bear is not important!