DEAR DIVA’S ADVICE
YOU’VE GOT BIG GAY PROBLEMS… SHE’S GOT STRAIGHT-TALKING ANSWERS!
Dear Diva,
I recently went out partying with my friends and I had too much to drink. I got really messy and passed out at the bar. The next day I found out that my friends left me there. The bar staff helped me get home. I am really disappointed with my friends. How could they just leave me?
Dear Drunk Bitch,
Your friends could have made sure that you got home but your friends are not your fucking parents and they are not obligated to babysit you, change your diaper or wipe vomit off your chin. Neither are the staff at the bar. Use this experience to better understand your limits and not drink yourself into a stupor in the future. If this is a regular thing for you, get your ass into rehab. Meanwhile, buy the staff at your bar a big bunch of flowers and write a thank you note.
Dear Diva,
My boyfriend has just split up with me and I don’t understand why. We’ve been together three years and living together for two of those. I love him very much and thought we had a wonderful life together. My friends and family love him. He broke up with me out of the blue and I’m in shock. I’ve asked him why and he’s said he needs to move on. I have cried my eyes out about this and I am so confused. It must be something I’ve done, but how can I find out?
Dear Shocked And Confused,
Your man is a big pussy. People fall in and out of love every day but, after three years, he should’ve had the balls to tell you the truth about his sudden departure. He has probably found himself a new piece of ass. This is a common reason for motherfuckers needing to “move on”. He did you a favor. Find someone who deserves you.
Dear Diva,
One of my friends is dating my former roommate. He is bad news. He has a drug problem and stole money from me when we lived together. I tried to warn my friend about him, but he flipped out on me. He said I was jealous of his new relationship. Dear Doomy Gloomy Roomy,
A good piece of dick will make a bitch crazy. Let’s just hope that your friend comes to his senses before his new man steals all of his shit and leaves him broke and bitter.
Dear Diva,
My man and I went to a house party recently where there were many old friends, including my ex. When it was time to go I went looking for the man and walked in on him having sex… with my ex! Why would he do this? What should I say? Do we have a future?
Dear Sex With With The Ex Sux,
Horny motherfuckers can’t think. When you add alcohol and/or drugs to the mix, shit can get real crazy. You should work out how you feel about what happened, and tell your man how you feel. If you are in a monogamous relationship, tell him if he does something stupid like this again, his ass is out the fucking door. If you guys have an open or “monogamish” relationship, you might need to tighten up the rules about who is off limits. (Exes should be on that list!)
MORE: Robbyne Kaamil is a relationship expert on TV, radio, and at Playgirl.com. She is also an actress, comedian and singer. Find her on FB, Twitter @robbynekaamil, and email your confidential Dear Diva questions to: asktheadvicediva@gmail.com.